Dear Girlfriends,

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Norman MacEwan

If there's one thing we all have in common - regardless of age, income, or profession - it is that we are all spread too thin when it comes to time and money. Especially when it comes to investing our volunteer time or our cash in organizations and charities.

Women are hard-wired to care deeply, and we are inspired to bring about change for our children and grandchildren. But our problem is that we often take our passions and spread them too thin - making little difference to any one cause. Or worse, we fail to invest in the programs we care about the most. I know, because my charitable giving is spread too thin.

A few weeks ago, as the guest of my financial adviser Carol Meyer, I attended an event called The Power of the Purse, sponsored by The Dallas Women's Foundation and under-written by Merrill Lynch. The topic: women in philanthropy.

This event was an eye-opener for me, as I realized my giving was often more what one presenter called an "honored obligation" rather than a "passionate investment" to create change.

There were several important questions and topics that were discussed throughout the event that I think are key to helping us first, prioritize our giving investments - both time and money - and then, to feel empowered to track the results of those gifts. Questions like:
• What bothers you?
• Are you giving to organizations that can bring about change to those issues that concern you the most?
• What do you want to see changed in your lifetime?
• Can the organization, given time and money, effect the change?
• What are your passions?
• Can you link your passion to what bothers you?
• What questions do you ask to determine if the charity will be a good steward of your gift?
• Once you've invested, how do you ensure they are managing their resources well?
• How do they measure the results of the services they deliver and how often are these results communicated to you?
• How do you properly shift your gifts when your concerns change or evolve over time?

The concept of "checkbook" philanthropy - writing lots of small checks without having a deep concern for the cause - was raised by more than one speaker, and gave me the opportunity to consider as much about why I give as how I give.

As we've explored over the past several weeks, we can't be all things to all people and when we try, we fail to be important to anyone. I believe the same holds true of our charitable giving. If your time and money are spread too thin, too - determine if you're "passionately investing" in those charities that can bring about change. I bet this is going to make our giving so much sweeter!

Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, they will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. Luke 6:38

Thank you so much for allowing me to chill out with you. I'm feeling much better now, and I haven't had a meltdown in weeks!

Spread just right,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 22, 2007 1:56 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

I'm often spread too thin - not because of my work load, to-do list, demands from my family, or volunteer work, but from a sheer brain overload of negative voices in my head.

We don't have to be diagnosed with schizophrenia to know that we deal with a barrage of nasty voices that spread us too thin. Things we literally make up, conclusions we jump to, and fantasy "showdowns" we have to set the record straight. I know you know what I'm talking about: the articulate positioning, perfect timing, and final zinger you "share" with that person that harmed you; the venting that happens over and over and over - but only in your head.

Spending time dwelling on hurts, wrongs, and misfortunes is a waste. How many hours each week do we squander, pondering how we've been wronged and how we should defend our honor? Consider the outcome if we took that same amount of time and did something useful with it. Like maybe read a book; or call someone who makes us laugh; listen to upbeat music; or better yet - pray. Imagine the positive energy we would gain by putting a stop to our negative thinking.

When I fixate on something someone has said or done (or hasn't said or hasn't done) that grieves me, my spirit is drained. My enthusiasm, loveliness, and spunk are nowhere to be found. This lack of positive life force only hurts those who haven't wronged me. How unfair is that?

But when I purposefully replace my brooding thoughts with positive observations I am joyful; I am at peace; and I can only imagine I am more a lot more fun and engaging to be around. Yes, I have to will myself to transform my thoughts in order to achieve this place of peace. No, it's not always easy, and it typically requires me to be conscious of my thoughts and diligent in my actions. But the effort is worth it.

It's time to choose the positive over the negative. Put a stop to those fantasy "showdowns" and replace them with a power walk, a good tune, or something that makes you giggle. Don't waste another minute with those nasty voices. You're spread too thin as it is.

Rethinking my thinking,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 15, 2007 1:52 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

Is your typical day best described as spinning plates, herding cats, and juggling knives, while simultaneously dancing en pointe? Yes, me too.

I confess. I am a bona-fide, professional, ace multi-tasker. I can solve business dilemmas, arrange for home deliveries, cram for my Bible study, and work through family opportunities, all while running on my treadmill. As a young mother, I took great pride in my circus-act expertise. Today, I no longer consider this skill and state of mind an attribute, but a character flaw. Actually, I'm beginning to think that my multi-tasking might even be sinful!

Samuel Johnson wrote that "He who wants to do a great deal at once will never do anything." Well, clearly Sam wasn't a working mother! I can get everything done at once! But is getting stuff done the end game? Is ticking thirty-four action items off our to-do list the measure of a day well-lived?

I've decided the answer is "no", and in order to harness my tendency toward multi-tasking I now plan my day knowing that I will reflect back on how I invested my fixed time and energy. I ask myself:

Multi-tasking, as defined by Webster's, is the concurrent or interleaved execution of two or more jobs by a single CPU. So here's the problem! Multi-tasking isn't something that was even designed for us; it's a function of a computer - not a HUMAN BEING. No wonder we're spread too thin. We need a re-boot.

Doing less could mean more - not only for others but for you. Focus your attention on the few things that will really matter at the end of the day: your personal delight; your achievement of excellence; and your contribution to mankind.

Getting a lot less done with a lot more joy,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 8, 2007 1:49 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

I knew I was spread too thin before my meltdown in the car. I had been fantasizing for months about taking a sabbatical, because I knew in my heart that I was burned out. So, I write you today from a month-long recess from the office. While some might go to a spa or on a Caribbean vacation, I elected to stay home to work on my three R's: Resting; Renewal; and Rededication. But I quickly realized I'm rusty on all three!

Resting. We're not very good at this, are we? We get one hour at home, alone, and what do we do? Start busying ourselves in the name of productivity. Are we bored? Or could we actually fear time alone with our thoughts? Resting - quiet time - is an absolute requirement to renewing one's mind, body, and soul, but I found myself in the first two weeks of my "holiday" keeping the same pace as I had when I was heading into the office. It finally dawned on me, about eight days into this intermission that I would need to plan my rest as I plan anything else that is important to me. In 2006, a Parenting article reported that only 15% of women get eight hours of sleep per night. This month, I am one of the chosen few because I plan it. Are you burned out, too? I feel safe in prescribing rest for you. Easy to say, hard to do. I learned this month that it's less about available sleeping hours and more about making it a priority.

Once rested, it's amazing how our rewired minds process information and how our emotions react to our new enlightened state. Many gals are more emotional when they're tired. But I'm the opposite; I've found the more rested I am, the clearer situations and issues are. This has left me a bit more emotional than in my more normal stressed-out state. (I think Steve is ready for me to finish up on my three r's and return to work!)

During the renewal cycle, I reflect on what's working in my life and what's not. Of the only two things I can control - my thoughts and my actions - how am I doing? This part of the renewal process is always hard for me, because I quickly realize that in many areas I am not living a life of grace. When I'm spread too thin, I tend to become harsh and judgmental. When you're spread so thin that extending grace eludes you, it's time for a break. Are you constantly disappointed by others? Are your expectations so high that when they fail - you judge them harshly, too? If you're slow to forgive and move on, you might need to disappear for a few days to reflect on the grace that's been extended to you.

I couldn't have articulated the goal I was hoping to attain by taking such a luxurious extended break from work, but today I know I was looking for rededication. During the first 21 days of this retreat I have made a new commitment to my spiritual growth and development; I am more deeply committed than ever to my husband and my precious family; and I am looking forward to new and wonderful adventures in my professional life. I have to be honest with you; it's been a few years since I rededicated my mind, body, and soul to higher ways.

Could you name the three areas you'd like to revive and what special things you'd do to rejuvenate your passion? Hmmm, you might be rusty on your three R's, too.

I know not everyone can enjoy a 30-day hiatus from work. I've been a professional for over 20 years and this is a first for me. But I do know that you can take a couple of days (no, you can't do this while visiting Disney Land with the fam) to consider those two things that you control every day: your thoughts and your actions. Only these affect your ability to live a life of grace.

Rededicated to you,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 1, 2007 1:46 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

Do you ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Are you stressed out because there's just not enough of you to go around? If so, you'll be able to relate.

It was a bit uncharacteristic of me, but a couple of weeks ago, I had a total meltdown. Yep - driving down the road - I couldn't see a thing for all the rain (and the sun was shining to beat the band).

Here's what had happened just minutes before: I was running late to a meeting. Not just any meeting; this one was with our son who is going through rehab. As I headed out the door, it dawned on me that I was double booked - in addition to the commitment with Scott, I had two conference calls scheduled for the afternoon. As mothers do, my head was swimming - when had I last called our daughter? It's always the child who is NOT in crisis that seems to get the short end of the stick. My cell phone was ringing off the hook, as I was fishing around my purse for my keys as I headed to the car. It was while we were standing there in the parking lot that Steve and I had a major communication snafu. He implied that I was having an "all about me" moment.

OH . . . PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE.

All about me? ALL ABOUT ME?

It took me until about 7:00 p.m. that evening to realize he was right. I was having an "all about me" life, because I had encouraged others to depend and rely on me to the point that it wasn't healthy - for any of us. The next morning, I made some changes.

I took our daughter, Shauna, up on her previous offer to play a bigger role in the family as we encourage Scott back to a healthy life (the unconditional love she pours on Scott has proved to be far more motivational than anything I could ever say or do).
I delegated major projects, those that originally I thought only I could do, to my team members (who, by the way are doing a beautiful job).
I rearranged conference calls and my work load to allow me a more sane schedule, one in which I'm not always running late (yes, I'm actually accomplishing more, not less).
I forfeited my role as family social director (I found that other family members are happy to call and make a reservation for Sunday brunch).

Your wisdom and your knowledge they have deluded you;
for you have said in your heart, "I am, and there is no one besides me.'
Isaiah 47:10

I know from experience that I cannot be all things to all people and that when I try - I fail them all. Instead of being light, energy and a positive force to anyone, I had become a drain. By spreading myself too thin, I was making a mess of my relationships. Now, instead of being stressed that everyone needs me at once, I can truly glory in the blessing for all the people I love and who love me.

I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

Oh! And there was one other thing I did that morning. I made an appointment with my colorist. The next day, I spent 20 precious processing minutes under a heat lamp with nothing more than my solitary thoughts. This is why I'm a bottle blonde. Every six weeks, come rain or shine - it really is all about me!

Chilling out,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 24, 2007 1:41 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

Steve and I are serial re-modelers. We often finish a project (or sometimes an entire house) only to move immediately on to the next room, or even the next place of shelter, to provide a little TLC (Tender Loving Construction). Because our professions rarely afford us even a small glimpse of some tangible result from our daily toil in the office, I think it's our way of feeling productive and creative. When we remodel, we actually get to see the fruits of our labor.

During our most recent make-over, this time of the master bathroom, I especially enjoyed the rapid progress of the work. Steve, being the visionary, as well as the general contractor for these projects, always looks forward to my critique of the handiwork of our craftsmen. (Not!) Yesterday, I arrived home to find that the painters had applied their magic. But.... in one tiny area, over in the corner, the paint was spread too thin.

Although the work (paint job included) was spectacular overall, in this one confined space, the work looked sloppy. It lacked the crispness and the detail that surrounded it. It wasn't as fresh. It actually looked a little worse than before. I thought I could ignore it - but when I went back to the bathroom to take in the sight of the beautiful tile work - all I could focus on was the wall peeking through the Sherwin Williams, "Rope", SW8011.

Like the paint job, I'm often spread too thin, coming across a bit sloppy - in my relationships, in my work, and in caring for myself. I'm not fresh. I'm not creative. I'm not detailed. I'm not present. I'm just a mess.

Are you over-committed, too? Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's explore the real fallout of our over-scheduled lives when we're just spread a bit too thin.

Getting out the drop cloth,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 17, 2007 1:35 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin