Dear Girlfriends,

Exhausted. Bored. Frustrated. Unfulfilled.

These are the words that best describe me when I'm burned out. When I'm used up. When I'm at the end of my rope. Or when I feel like I'm trying hard but not getting anywhere. 

I can feel it coming on like a bad cold. But rather than pull the covers over my head, I want to fight it. I want to catch this condition of discontent or frustration before it's too late. So how do I revive myself? In describing resuscitation, Wikipedia states that "CPR is unlikely to restart the heart, but rather its purpose is to maintain a flow of oxygenated blood to the brain and the heart, thereby delaying tissue death and extending the brief window of opportunity for a successful resuscitation without permanent brain damage." Yes. Exactly. I want to thwart any more brain damage when dealing with family, work, and self!

If the objective is to stop our physical or emotional exhaustion - or worse - apathy, before it occurs, I think we should consider and address a few of the root causes. Over the next few weeks, I hope you'll join me in a discussion on the driving forces behind our burnout and ways we can reinvigorate a bored body, a frustrating job, an unfulfilled spirit, and an exhausted heart.

 
Not waiting for the paramedics,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on February 4, 2008 12:37 PM  |  Category: One Breath Away From Burnout

Dear Girlfriends,

Some of you will be able to relate when I say, "He wears me out."

It's hard for us to admit this but sometimes we allow ourselves to come to the end of our rope with family. Parents, spouses, siblings, or kids drain the life out of us resulting in relational burnout and an exhausted heart. So what's the driving force behind our burnout with the people we often love the most? Control.

Trying so hard to control the "state of their union", my girlfriend burned out. The marriage dissolved before her eyes. Regardless of how many times she told him what she wanted from him and how she wanted it - he couldn't seem to deliver. She knew she was on her last breath when she began "googling" for divorce attorneys.

Trying so hard to control my son's addiction and recklessness, I flamed out, too. The promise of sobriety morphed into a tangled web of lies, leaving me with, again, a totally exhausted heart. I knew I was on my last breath when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than he was.

Trying so hard to ensure her daughter made the honor roll and the cheerleading squad, another mom suffers from an exhausted heart when her daughter rebels. "I don't know what happened. She's nothing like she was as a child. I gave her everything and  did everything I could for her." She knew she was on her last breath when her 18-year-old daughter yelled, "I'm not coming back" as she slammed the front door.

We come by this naturally. Men, throughout their formidable years as little boys set up battle fields and rescue scenarios strategizing how to best control situations, while little girls become the control mavens we are through our fastidious placement of a perfectly formed family in the perfectly decorated rooms of our perfectly proportioned doll house. Good grief-no wonder we're twisted.

As much as we'd like to look to others as the source of our burnout, the problem is not with the people we love. Even the irregular people in our lives are not to blame for our state of frustration. The driving force behind our relational burnout is our need to "fix" the person. Trying to control the desires, wills, habits, motivations, and futures of those we care for is what really wears us out.

If you're suffering from burnout with someone you love, you might try something I tried this past month (which so far seems to be working much better than my old ways of intervention and prodding):

Let go; give them space.
Allow the other person to make their own way, even if it's not your way.
Give opinions or counsel, but only when asked.
Allow others to stumble; you have not been called to walk upright for others.
Refrain from swooping in to rescue; you can't fix them or their problems.
Let the movie roll; you're only a supporting actor-leave the directing to God.
Be patient.
And pray.
 
There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your will. - Epictetus

By trying to mold the ones you love into what you want them to be, you're only kidding yourself-and setting yourself up for an exhausted heart.

Your control freak,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on February 11, 2008 1:38 PM  |  Category: One Breath Away From Burnout

Dear Girlfriends,

"I'm done. I am absolutely done with this job." How many of us have gotten to a breaking point in our career. . . or a better question might be: How many of us are at this point, today?

I am a seasoned veteran of burnout. Throwing myself 110% into a project, a challenge, or an organization, I have mastered the art of professional burnout. And, I have recognized a recurring pattern over the past twenty years: regardless of the type of project, the degree of challenge, or the size of the organization, I always seem to find myself back in the same place: frustrated beyond words.

Once we really begin to analyze the situation of burnout at work, the actual job or task we perform is rarely the issue. Most of us enjoy doing the work. And while our bosses, subordinates, or co-workers can sometimes be a bit wonky, for the most part, they're usually good people with good intentions. Eliminating the work itself and the people we work with leaves us with only three other possibilities: me, myself, and I.

So what exactly is the root cause behind our burnout at work? Ego. Unfortunately for us, the higher an achiever we are, the greater the likelihood that we will at some point become extremely burned out with our job. Let's note for the sake of this conversation that the type of "ego haunting" I'm talking about is rarely fueled by status; the part of our ego that is behind our professional burnout is the part of self that requires acceptance or validation.

If you are a girlfriend who takes great pride in what you do, your self-esteem is closely linked with what you produce at work and is most likely an integral part of your personality and being. This is not all bad, in and of itself. Ego can be a great asset for one's profession when it propels a well-grounded sense of self-confidence; but it can be an extremely dangerous condition when we allow it to get out of check, thereby draining our vision, ambition, creativity, and sense of balance. I know this because I have struggled with my ego my entire professional career.

• It is ego, fanned by the flames of fear that drives our compulsion to check our BlackBerries every five minutes.
  

• It is ego, driven by a SuperWoman complex, that compels us to take responsibility for failures (and successes) for which we have been given no authority or accountability.
  

• It is ego that throws the crushing blow to our sense of self-worth when we define ourselves only by our outcome measures at work.
  

• It is ego, slapped silly day after day by the nonsense that occurs as a matter of course in the halls of corporate America, that convinces us that we have little to offer our co-workers, subordinates, or senior management.
  

• It is ego, fueled by our need to be validated, that convinces us that if we work hard enough and long enough, we can single-handedly save the corporation from itself.
  

• It is ego - driven by need for acceptance - that clouds our judgment to our own limitations.
  

And it is ego, generating enough stress to stop the heart, that kills. Literally, you can work yourself to death trying to satisfy the ego.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

If you're not saving lives (doctor or volunteers for a suicide hotline), saving souls, literally or figuratively, (clergy or social workers), or saving our next generation from illiteracy (teachers) - you can relax. Your work is not that important.

Separate yourself. Compartmentalize your life. Starve the part of your ego that needs to be validated. You are not your job.

Now, get back to work.
 

The ego queen,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on February 19, 2008 10:06 AM  |  Category: One Breath Away From Burnout

Dear Girlfriends,

According to the Barna Research Group, church attendance dropped 13% from 1992 to 2003 -while the population of America grew by 9%. But I have a theory that it's not always the church or synagogue that we're burned out on. I surmise the root cause of our unfulfilled spirit is not corporate worship but a far more personal dilemma. I believe our emptied spirit is the result of despair.

I was one breath away from burnout; my spirit was drained. I was so worn out with praying and waiting for a specific outcome that I just could hardly stand to pray or wait any more. Day by day, my faith wasted away a little more. I was running out of time, money, hope, and solutions of any kind. My mind-melting despair had trumped my faith, and had wrecked my gratitude and desire to praise the almighty God for who He is....rather than what He could do for me.

As is our nature, our world revolves around ourselves, our hopes, our dreams, our problems, and our disappointments. And it is this self-concern that flows daily, or sometimes hourly, into our prayer life. We have "all about me" prayers, moaning our pains, problems, disappointments, and needs to Him to the point that I'm just amazed that He's not burned out with us! But amazingly, He's far more patient with His needy children than we are with Him. Frightening when you stop to think about it, isn't it?

My "Aha!" moment came one early morning, over four years ago, as I read the opening page of a new book that had just been released. In Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life, he begins:

It's not about you.

The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment,
your peace of mind or even your happiness. It's far greater than your family,
your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.
 If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.
You were born by his purpose and for his purpose.

 Hmmm . . . are you sure it's not all about me?

It took a while for this concept to really sink in, but once it did-it changed my approach and recharged my faith. Today, rather than repeatedly asking, "Why haven't you? Why can't you? When will you?" I humbly place my desire at His feet, thanking Him in advance for His favor. Laying this quiet, tender request before Him with a heart of gratitude is a marked contrast to running out of faith because He hasn't granted my every wish, according to my Day-Timer.

If your spirit is drained and if you're one breath away from spiritual burnout, consider a change in your prayer life from "I need you to . . ." to "I praise you for . . ." Your circumstances may not change immediately, but your heart will.

Changing my focus,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on February 26, 2008 10:29 AM  |  Category: One Breath Away From Burnout

Dear Girlfriends,

"When the oxygen masks drop from the overhead compartment, pull firmly and securely place the mask over your nose and mouth, first, then assist children and those around you." Do you think this is a self-centered act? No, of course not. We all know that in a case of airline emergency, we must ensure we're receiving oxygen for ourselves in order to care for those who depend on us. So why don't we apply this same thinking when it comes to our health and fitness?

We're only ten weeks into the new year, and I'll bet you a dollar to a salmon sushi roll that you've already given up on your "healthier you" resolution. I have a proven theory (or at least I've proved it with myself) that we're not burned out with sweating; the driving force behind our burnout with our workout and healthy eating habits is time. We don't have time to go to a gym. We don't have time to invest in learning more about health or fitness. And we don't have time to make stir-fry tofu (even if we like it). And this issue with time causes us to sacrifice our selves, leaving our body bored.

If you're suffering from workout burnout, I'd like to share with you seven quick tips to get you back on track - because you, my girlfriends, are important. And important people must stay fit in order to care for all the people who depend on them.

Tip Number One:

If you can't work a 30-minute walk into your day, walk 10 minutes, three times a day. This slight change could help you get back on track, and soon you'll feel so good you'll be making time for that 30-minute walk.

2. Load new tunes on your iPod or Nano every four to six weeks because boredom can set in quickly. What's new on my iPod this month? Shelby Lynne. Her music is snappy and fun - Restless, 10 Rocks, and Don't Mind If I Do are a few of my favorites. 

3. Once you get the walking down, alternate a slow one-minute jog with a brisk one-minute walk. Before you know it, you'll be ready for the Boston Marathon. (Well, maybe not - but you'll feel better.)

4. Alternate your walking days with weight-lifting days. This is the very best fitness advice I can give you - it's good for burning fat and fighting osteoporosis. Purchase leg weights and do a few exercises with the weights strapped to your ankles. You won't believe the results! Also, buy small dumb bells; I started with 2 lbs. and then graduated slowly to heavier ones. I lift 9 lb. dumb bells (mine are PINK) for 15 minutes, twice a week. See my video at www.ellenmmiller.com to see the results. Pretty good biceps for a grandma, eh?

 5. If you don't like walking, dance. Turn the music up loud, be a Disco Dolly, and dance for 15 minutes straight. The results: a heart that is pumping and a happier disposition. No way can you dance for 15 minutes and not walk away absolutely giddy. Do you have a daughter? Ask her to join you - it will be good for both your health and your relationship.

 6. Don't diet. Everyone wants to attribute women's fussy attitudes to hormones but I disagree. I think women are out of sorts because they suffer from low blood sugar! Is the whole world on a diet? There are two books on my website about "diets" that I recommend: Why French Women Don't Get Fat, by Mireille Guiliano; follow her advice and you'll never have a weight problem - and Eat for Your Type. The philosophy shared in this book is very interesting - it explains why different people burn different foods in different ways. It works like a charm and you get to eat.

 7. When you're tempted not to work out or eat right, watch a documentary on the Special Olympics. Ladies, you are in possession of precious gifts: a healthy heart, strong lungs, and two good legs. Be a faithful steward of the body you have been blessed with and take care of it.

 Women tend to the needs of their families and professions, ignoring their own well-being and fitness. If you really love your family and your profession - demonstrate it by investing in yourself, first. You'll be much better prepared for when those oxygen masks fall. - Ellen Miller

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on March 5, 2008 12:13 PM  |  Category: One Breath Away From Burnout