Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past several months, I've found truth in some counter-intuitive principles. Take this one for example: To get more done - stop working. Once I shortened my work day, I began to accomplish more. By limiting my available hours to work, I became both more focused and more efficient, and the result is a far more productive work day. And not only do I complete a greater volume of work - I find the quality of my labor investment has improved, as well. Stop working to get more done. Who woulda' thought?

I think the concept of living intentionally is a bit counter-intuitive, too. Although many of us grasp the big picture, sometimes we're a bit foggy on how to best go about living on purpose rather than just having life happen to us.

So, if you're up for it, we're going to dig in on an eight-week series called Living Intentionally. The counter-intuitive principles will include: 

1. Fake it.
2. Scrap your priorities.
3. Stay behind.
4. Break a hip.
5. Whine.
6. Be confused.
7. Disappoint someone.
8. Spend it all today.

Clear in my confusion,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 8, 2007 11:46 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Here's a novel idea for some of us: fake it for a change. Be yourself.

I have a darling child in my life named Samantha who, I have no doubt, you will someday watch as she accepts her Academy Award for Best Actress. At four years old, this little gal can become a character faster than you can load a DVD. She changes from costume to costume, scene to scene, accent to accent, as she entertains you with her incredible wit and conviction (on cue). But Samantha knows who she is when she takes off her Cinderella dress. She doesn't stay in character so long that she forgets who she really is. Unfortunately, many of us have. We have faked it for so many years that we're out of touch with our own authenticity.

I have lived my life in two very different worlds, for both of which I am deeply grateful. It's because I have lived in these two worlds that I can state, as fact, that I know there are at least six groups of women who suffer from the ability to be genuine. They are (in no particular order):

1. Women who live in an upper socio-economic class (rich girls)
2. Women who live in depressed financial circumstances (poor girls)
3. Women who aggressively climb the corporate ladder (working girls)
4. Women who invest their heart and soul in the raising of their children (mommy girls)
5. Women who spend their Sunday morning in church (good girls)
6. Women who spend their Sunday morning in some Joe's (what's his last name?) bed (bad girls)

Did I leave anyone out? Nope. I think this is it.

Being a totally authentic person is absolutely frightening for some of us. It's scary because it means that we can't hide behind a fantasy to guard our heart. It might mean becoming transparent, which equates to putting away the status; the piety; the Botox; the executive title; the perfect kids; the money; the one-night-stands; the Gucci bag...  

We want to be accepted. We want to be admired. We fear ridicule - to our face or behind our back; thus we create a fictional character that we believe is more engaging and attractive than our true self. But, she's not. She's just the opposite. The fictional character most often created is plastic and shallow, and an authentic woman can smell a fake before their first hello.

If you've been in character too long, you may have forgotten how to fake it and be yourself. These are my three best tips:

Reveal: Tell others something about yourself that is deprecating but humorous. Others love to hear that you're not perfect, that you make stupid mistakes, but that you don't take yourself so seriously that you can't laugh at your own nuttiness.

Respond: Authentic people listen with their heart and respond with their eyes. Sometimes it's just simple eye contact that says a thousand words. The eyes are indeed the window to the soul.

Relax: Get comfortable. Last year, I led a women's Bible Study and as a matter of course, we took off our shoes. Pedicure or no, together we walked barefooted through the book of Daniel - and it was amazing to watch the walls come down when the heels were kicked off.

We are what we believe we are. - C.S. Lewis

So who do you believe you are? Is she a different woman than you allow others to know?

You can't live intentionally until you fake it; try being yourself for a change.

Kicking off my shoes,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 9, 2007 2:14 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

The success and prosperity we enjoy in this great country has come at the expense of millions of men and women who, over the past two hundred and thirty-one years, refused to give up. We're a tribe of dogmatic individuals who strive 24x7 to have it all. We are not sissies. But as a society we haven't a clue how to live intentionally, because we don't know when to throw in the towel.

The phrase comes from the sport of boxing. When the fighter is just too exhausted to continue, and when his coach realizes he can't succeed, the coach throws a towel into the ring to indicate that the fight is over. I love the imagery here - the boxer, too close to his own struggle, doesn't make the call - but his coach, who sees the situation objectively, makes the decision for him. The priority to win is scrapped in order to fulfill the priority to live. I think to live intentionally we have to know when to throw in the towel - when to scrap some of our priorities - and rarely can we make this call on our own.

The most popular series I have written to date was the series titled Spread Too Thin. The response from women, coast to coast, in all stages of life was overwhelming. But the single most-oft repeated message was, "My husband has been telling me this for years." Why? As your coach, he can see when you've put yourself in a position where you can't possibly succeed at living; he knows you're only existing. Can you have it all? Of course you can! Just not every day. And not in every life stage.

If you're reading this message and you know in your heart that you're not living intentionally, then there's an excellent chance that your priorities are out of whack. Assess your situation to determine what self-imposed duties are robbing you of joy. Then, develop the vision and a plan to get to the place where you're experiencing life, not just moving from task to task. It's a destination worth planning for, and since you won't listen to your significant other - maybe you'll take a tip from your girlfriend (me).

To follow are just a few of the priorities I scrapped during my life-stage when I was raising children, building a career, and dealing with a two-hour daily commute:

• Exercise. I gained 15 pounds as I climbed the corporate ladder. I sacrificed a firm fanny for a firm foundation for my career.
• Dinner. To complement my healthy lifestyle of no exercise, we picked up fast food, two nights a week. Not an organic vegetable on the table, but we enjoyed our meals together at the kitchen table every night. Spinach was sacrificed for quality time with the fam.
• Laundry. I bought pink towels for Shauna and blue towels for Scott and taught them both to do their own laundry at the ages of 11 and 14. If they didn't wash it - they wore it dirty. Saturday became a fun day, not a work day - and no one turned me in to Child Protective Services.
• Bible study. I traded my daily Bible study for Christian CDs and books on tape during my long commute, to gain 30 precious minutes of sleep. I'm pretty sure Jesus still loved me.
• Continued self-development. My continued learning consisted of helping with science projects, slogging through eighth-grade Algebra and keeping up with the teen lingo. Self-development was sacrificed for self-preservation.

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

Stephen R. Covey

You're in the ring, sweat dripping from your brow. You feel the blow. Are you down for the count? It might be time to throw in the towel.

 
Scrapping my priorities for better ones,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 24, 2007 10:50 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Most motivational speakers, self-help gurus, and professional mentors will tell you that to live a successful life, you must be aggressive and "get out front". I think this is flawed thinking. If you really want to live a life of difference, get behind someone who knows the track.

Several months ago, Steve and I took up bicycling. Most weekends we log between 30 and 50 miles on the trails around Dallas atop our sleek silver street bikes (complete with riding gear - it's so about the "outfit"). Sometimes my confidence kicks in and I take the lead, but most of the time, I hang back. I've found there are some significant benefits to staying behind.

More knowledgeable about the sport and more familiar with the course, Steve serves as my guide. Often I hang back several feet, watching him zig and zag - alerted in advance that the path is about to become more difficult to navigate or that a gaggle of marathoners have congregated. He provides a "heads up" when the path becomes tricky and it's time to put on the brakes. Do you allow someone to help you navigate the potholes? Or are you facing a wipeout? Girlfriends - ask for direction or get behind someone who has successfully dealt with life's blows; they make great trail guides.

I haven't quite accomplished this but there's a practice in racing, and common amongst cyclists, known as drafting. This is where you follow only inches behind the lead biker's back tire (yes, this can be disaster with one wrong move by either of you - which of course, is a Truth Nugget topic for another time). When you're drafting, the lead biker faces the resistance, allowing you to keep up while exerting only a fraction of the energy. It's like being a slacker. When the winds are blowing hard in life, many high achievers try to face it alone. How often do you let someone block the headwind for you? Girlfriends, allow someone the privilege of helping you face your adversity - you'll both be better for the experience.

When Steve's out front he's usually "cookin'" - thus, I have to pedal like there's no tomorrow just to keep up. His pace makes me a better athlete (although I'm not so sure his Speedy Gonzales impersonation is doing much for our marriage). He sets goals for us. He encourages me to make it to the next mile marker. So, who is your personal life-trainer? Who's kicking your butt to make you a better, stronger, wiser, more balanced person? Girlfriends, get behind someone who can inspire and motivate you. If you get too comfortable with this scenic ride of life, you're going to miss out on the adventure.

Self-reliance is important but to live intentionally, we need to surround ourselves with quality people: people who are wise because of experience gained; honorable people who are strong in character and who can provide us a buffer zone when we're tired; and people who can be objective enough with us to say - "get your fanny in gear". Even as grownups, we're still only as good as the company we keep.

He who walks with wise men shall be wise. Proverbs 13:20

But just a quick note of caution to you: while you're biking behind those who are motivating you, don't forget that someone may be on your back wheel, too. We're in this race together.

Shifting gears,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on November 7, 2007 9:05 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

It all happened in slow motion. I could feel myself falling but for the life of me, I couldn't catch myself. I was going down and I was going down hard. Lying on the ground I was bewildered, frustrated - and embarrassed. And I was mad at the world.

No, I didn't trip. This was a full-fledged, self-induced fall. I fell off my bicycle while learning how to "clip-in".

To take my bicycling to the next level, Steve introduced me to the concept of clipping-in. In order to optimize the strength and power of the quadriceps and glutes, many bikers buy a unique type of shoe that actually attaches to specially designed pedals. The problem is - it's not natural! It's tricky to get started and almost impossible to stop - without the help of asphalt. So, there I was - starting, stopping, and falling.

Clipping-in, like living intentionally, is not for sissies, those afraid of failure, or those who are willing to pass on the fabulous adventures that come with optimizing life. Counter-intuitive to conventional wisdom that says  "play it safe" and you'll live happily ever after, I believe that to live intentionally we need to go out on a limb.

Our society has us all paralyzed with fear that we're going to get hurt - or worse, fail and then be embarrassed. Well, sometimes we might. But to truly experience life, rather than just tick down the days until we die, we have to be willing to fail; to fall; and to succeed. To live intentionally means we take risks while walking in faith, allowing life's surprises to mold us into interesting people, rather than bitter, boring ones. I'm not saying you should be reckless - I'd hate to hear that some of you went out Saturday night and got a Harley tattoo. But I am saying that many of us miss out on rich experiences because we're not willing to explore new things.

So what new experiences might make life a little more flavorful this month?

Go to a play.
Travel someplace new.
Research a new line of work or industry.
Take dancing lessons.
Try yoga.
Go on a mission or humanitarian trip.
Take golf lessons.
Join a choir.
Go to the symphony.
Take an art class.
Try tennis.
Go back to college (or go for the first time).
Join a book club.
Take up bicycling.

Try just one new thing. You don't have to adopt it as a lifestyle. To live intentionally, you only have to adopt the philosophy of experimenting with the understanding that it's okay to fall.

Without risk, faith is impossible. Soren Kierkegaard

Girlfriends, I don't know about you but I don't want to be 93 and gray, telling a sad story about falling on the way to the bathroom. I want a tale of adventure, and I want it now....complete with the success. Yes, my failures (and bruises) were all worth it; clipping-in has taken my cycling to a whole new level. And my falls made the success all the sweeter.

Optimizing my quads (and life),
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on November 30, 2007 2:08 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

"If you keep that up, I'm going to give you something to really cry about!" Yes, we have all heard those biting words of our mothers and fathers fed up with our "carrying on."

This weather is crummy.
The traffic is ridiculous.
The sales clerk is slow.
The kids don't call.
My sister is an idiot.
Our boss is a jerk.

Whining. That's what I was doing. A few weeks ago, I found myself spending precious moments complaining (or as some of you might refer to it - bitching and moaning) about the most minute things.

When I caught myself, I really felt ashamed. What was going on that was really all that bad? Summer heat on a November day? But then, just as my mother promised, I got something to really whine about.

Our daughter, pregnant with her first child, was due to deliver on January 11 - but on Thanksgiving Day, she went into premature labor. She spent two weeks in the hospital, pumped full of drugs and forced to lie in bed - we were all on pins and needles as she tried to keep her little critter in the oven a few more weeks.

When Shauna did go into labor on December 7, her emergency C-section was nothing short of pure drama. As we prayed through the night for her recovery and the health of our sweet grandbaby, Ava, I realized I had not a complaint in the world. I had something new to refocus my attention.

Your parents might drive you nuts. Your job might be the pits. Your husband might not be the best gift-giver. But really, is life all that bad?

I think to live life intentionally we must every now and then have a really good whine. Complain (to yourself, please) for no less than 60 minutes, once a month, about the lousy hand you've been dealt or the unfairness of it all. Get it out. Rant and rave. Wave your hands. Stomp your feet. And then I want you to drop it. Or else you might get challenges much bigger than a bad hair day to distract you from your personal pity party.

"Things may happen to you, but the only things that matter are the things that happen in you." -Eric Butterworth

 
As I head into this Christmas season with my family (and Baby Ava in my arms), there will be no complaints. Just pure gratitude for the gift of life, sweet family and friends, and second chances.

No whining today,
Ellen

Also known now as Ava's Sugar

Posted by Ellen on December 18, 2007 10:07 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Don't be a flip-flopper. Make up your mind. Stick with your story.

We're told that to be people of influence we must dig in our position and stay the course.

Hogwash.

I think to live intentionally we must be confused. Because confusion, coupled with a compass, ultimately results in personal clarity.

At the tender age of 16, I took my marriage vows and I took them seriously. Two years later, I was confused. "Are we really 'one'? What principles and philosophies do we share that will bind us for the rest of our lives?" And most importantly, I finally asked myself the "why" question that would bring the issue into focus - "Why are we married?" Frightened, disappointed, and failing miserably in the relationship, confusion became a constant companion for nearly eight more years before I found clarity. Confusion in marriage can result in separation, but confusion in marriage, when coupled with the compass of counseling and communication, can also lead to renewed commitment. Too bad more of us are not confused - the marriages that do stay together might soar with the clarity that results from learning that it is more than those two kids that bind you together.

In my mid-twenties a good friend of mine challenged me on my spiritual beliefs. "Where did you get these facts? How do you know this is true? Why do you believe this?" The girl with all the answers (me) was left speechless. I couldn't tell my friend the why behind my faith. I only knew that I believed what I believed because I had always been told to believe it. As her challenge morphed into my confusion, I sought answers. I began to question everything, and journeyed toward not just a confirmation of my belief system but an even deeper renewal. I realized, as I dared to question the tenets of my faith, that my confusion ultimately allowed me to live my beliefs more intentionally. Too bad more of us are not confused - a good compass, in the form of theological research, might make us a better representative of the doctrine we espouse.

When I was in my mid-thirties I was faced with the reality that our son was gay. No surprise - I had known this since he was about three or four years old, but still, over the years as I moved toward the day when I would honestly discuss the situation with him, I was confused. Nature or nurture? Condemned or forgiven? Conditional acceptance or unconditional love? I think it's much easier for a mother to move through the confusion surrounding homosexuality than it is the average person. Too bad we don't all have a child who is gay - the world might act differently if we all carried a compass where love pointed due north and where all men (and all sins, if you think this is a sin) are created equal. 

When I was in my mid-forties I became confused about my position on all things political. I would make a fabulous politician, because I flip-flopped back and forth on everything from the war in Iraq to our city's position on the homeless. But my confusion brought clarity. By reading, listening to commentary (both conservative and liberal), and discerning fact from press (as best one can), and being open to the fact that I might not be right - I have arrived (for now) in the place where I feel comfortable with what I have personally learned, not the popular opinion. Too bad we're not all confused on the political issues of our day - the country might be able to find a middle ground with a compass of bi-partisanship, and we'd all be more tolerant of flip-floppers and have more affordable health insurance!

 My point is this: In order to live intentionally, we must have the courage to be confused and must be willing to carry a compass in the form of research and learning. We must desire to dig for the "why" behind our personal truth; the maturity to look beyond our closed minds; the independence to think for ourselves. And the stamina to do it all again.  

 To change one's mind in changing circumstances is true wisdom. - Robert Louis Stevenson
 
Your flip-flopper,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 8, 2008 1:46 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Do you serve others - either organizations or people - from your heart or your head?

If you're serving from your heart, you know it. Your investment of time and talent doesn't drain you - it acts like rocket fuel; you soar with a "done-good" feeling. For you gals who've figured this out, you can close this email. However, if you're one of my girlfriends who feels obligated, burned out, or frustrated by your selfless service, you might want to read on.

Self-sacrifice is not always a noble thing. Service rendered out of a sense of expectation or obligation rather than an expression of gratitude, talent, or love is rarely pleasing to either the soul of the recipient or the do-gooder and has a counter-effect on our spirit. I recognized this in myself as I drove reluctantly to meetings or events, dreading the next two hours of selflessness.

For this reason, I believe it is important that we ensure that every good deed, every favor, and every act of service be done from the heart - not the head. This means of course that from time to time, in order to live intentionally, you will disappoint someone.

I have experience here.

I have found that high-achievers not only expect a lot of themselves, but that others often have unreasonable expectations of them, too. Moral indignation flashes across the face (or worse, spews from the mouth) of the disappointed individual because I did not . . . . (fill in the blank) the way the wounded party thought I would, I should, or I could. How selfish of me! Well, yes. That's the point.

In our world where others are constantly clamoring for us to give more, do more, invest more, and allow more, there is little time for us, as individuals, to be more. To get ahead financially, we all know that we must pay ourselves first (in the form of savings). But few of us acknowledge that to achieve a well-balanced life, we must make the commitment to pay ourselves first in the form of time and to be extremely conscious of those we invest time with and for.

Several years ago, a "girlfriend" shared with me that in addition to her COO position for a major corporation, she served as a board-member for the city symphony, was the local chairwoman for fund raising for not one, but two, of the largest non-profits in the country, and due to her and her husband's position in the community, was required to attend social, civic, or political functions nearly every night of the week. She wrote: "I'm exhausted. I'm miserable. I'm worn out."

Her glamorous, selfless life of service had resulted in burnout - not just toward the organizations she served, but toward life itself. My girlfriend realized she was not living intentionally because she didn't want to disappoint.

I am a huge proponent of service - community, school, or church - and feel that as a collective society we could do a lot more than we do. But I don't think service should be left to just a few. And this is where high-achieving women often struggle to maintain balance. Because they can do it (and others haven't or won't), they feel obligated to jump in and get the job done. But service through obligation rarely fulfills and usually drains.

"To refuse a request for just cause is as praiseworthy as to grant a request that is worthy. It is for this reason that the 'no' of some people pleases more than the 'yes' of others. A refusal accompanied by sweet words and a civil manner gives more satisfaction to a true heart than a favor given with bad grace." - Marquise Magdeleine de Sablé

Are you extending a favor or service with bad grace because you feel obligated? Endeavor to serve those projects that are true to your heart's calling and say no to the rest. Yes, you will disappoint someone, but the service you do render will be a blessing - for both you and that special person on the receiving end. Now, that's living intentionally.
 

Feeling blessed (even as I tick someone off),
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 16, 2008 3:42 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past couple of months, we've examined what it means to live intentionally and have explored seven counter-intuitive truths:

1. Fake it. And be yourself for a change. Others will most likely enjoy the "real" you more than the faux you, anyway.
2. Scrap your priorities. You can have it all - just not every day. Reschedule your priorities.
3. Stay behind. Surround yourself with quality people. We're still only as good as the company we keep.
4. Break a hip. Stop being a sissy. Go out on a limb and try something new.
5. Whine. Rant, rave, and stomp your feet. Then drop it before you really get something to cry about.
6. Be confused. It's OK to be a flip-flopper. Dig for the "why" behind your personal truths and have the courage to change your mind.
7. Disappoint someone. We extend service with bad grace when we serve out of obligation. Choose those endeavors that are true to your heart's calling and say 'no' to the rest.

This week, we'll close out this series with the final directive:

8. Spend it all today. Because you might not get a tomorrow.

I can hear the shrieks of financial advisors from coast to coast (especially my own...hang with me, Carol)! This Truth Nugget is not about money. I want to explore the more important things that we hide, hoard, and ignore - our talent, our network, and the impact we have on others.

I am a marketing gal. I'm not a writer, nor a motivational speaker. These are not my talents. So how did I end up writing this weekly blog and speaking? I (finally) recognized that my talent is giving encouragement through my ability to share my life experiences. Coupled with my courage to examine tough topics, I began writing Truth Nuggets and speaking to inspire women to achieve balance and live intentionally. Never in a million years did I think these two somewhat nebulous talents would emerge in the form of a weekly newsletter to thousands. But they did. What is your talent? Are you sharing it?

"When I stand before God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent
left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"  - Erma Bombeck

Spend your talent today. You might not get a tomorrow.

Many of us waste our network, hoarding contacts or preserving them in case we need a favor. I say spend your network on your friends and colleagues. Tim Sanders, in his book "Love is the Killer App," encourages us to use our network generously for the benefit of others. Some people understand this concept intuitively - they are "connectors" by nature. But others of us must be reminded that our success is never of our own making, but in part due to the goodness, kindness, and generosity of others. What goes around, comes around. Extend your network to friends and colleagues looking for a job, a business lead, or a housekeeper. Who is in your network? Are you sharing it?

"Be a Lovecat: amass and share knowledge, amass and share your network
and be compassionate." - Tim Sanders

Spend your contacts on someone else today. You might not get a tomorrow.

"The true measure of man is how he treats someone who
can do him absolutely no good."  - Samuel Johnson

Spend your kindness. You might not get a tomorrow.

Emptying my pocketbook,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 23, 2008 3:25 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally