Dear Girlfriends,

One way we misplace our joy is by not being present in the now. We spend so much time thinking about what should have happened, where we need to be, what we need to do and how we're going to do it, that we forget about right now. We're not going to get it back, so why are we such poor stewards of this moment?

Notice, I didn't say be in THE moment. I want you to be in this moment. I want you to begin to recognize when you have a "this moment" with your family, your peers at work, your friends. I've found that it is very difficult for some of us to be in this moment because we're constantly plagued with thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow.

I only learned to be in this moment about three years ago. I am the ultimate multi-tasker and have come to realize that this is not a strength but really a character flaw. I learned as a result of one of our company retreats what it really means to be present and have learned to focus on this philosophy because I've found it brings me immense joy.

I wasted precious, precious moments with my family by not stopping to take in the details of an everyday exchange. Oh, the kids had my full attention when the tears were flowing or when they slammed the bedroom door! (Which only happened once. At our house if you slammed the door, their Dad would remove it from the frame to ensure it didn't get in their way, again.) But the little things that make a conversation so precious - facial expressions, giggles, or a well-kept secret finally shared- sometimes went without my full-registration of the moment. Why? I was too busy, trying to do other things. Were the other things more important? No, of course not. So why didn't I stop whatever else I was doing and be in that moment?

Sometimes, our past haunts our now. What happened yesterday, last month or when you were 12-years old cannot be undone. It happened; and it was probably sad AND unfair. Thinking, dwelling, reliving the past will rob you of joy. Joy is a state of contentment that cannot be affected by outside forces. Yesterday is an outside force.

There will always be challenges with the kids, issues with the boss, home appliances that go out at the worse time, and a girlfriend that got her feelings hurt. If we are constantly thinking about the next moment and what we need to do, how can we possibly enjoy and be in this one? You will have another moment to deal with life - life-stuff is not going away - it will wait for you. (Darn it!)

To excel at being in this moment you will want to turn off the TV when your grown kids come over. You'll turn off the stove when they're in the kitchen with you, after school. (It's OK - dinner can be late.) You will turn off your mobile phone when you go to lunch with a girlfriend. You will learn to ssshh the constant chattering in your head. Being in this moment will allow you to see, hear and feel in a whole new way. And that my friend - is pure joy.

Being in this moment with you,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on December 5, 2006 1:25 PM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy

Dear Girlfriends,

Girlfriends, we're grown up now and we need to get over trying to please others. If you're over the age of 35, you probably know by now that you're never going to please everyone and on some days - you'll please no one. The harder you work at it the more impossible it is to gain or to maintain their favor. Seeking the approval of others is a sure-fire (for my out-of-state friends, that's a Texas term for GURANTEED) way of losing your joy.

I'm not sure if approval seeking is a result of our upbringing; I guess if we were little girls whose self-esteem got a boost when mom and dad were well-pleased, we are probably more likely to need approval from others, today. I think my need for approval is genetic. I was born this way and came out of the womb hoping to dazzle the doctor! Either way, seeking the approval of others doesn't cohabitate with joy.

For many years, I confused approval with respect. But of course, they are different. I learned, much too late, that people can respect you without always agreeing with your position or your actions. Have you confused approval with respect?

While some women are concerned about what others think, many of us are our own worse enemy. We don't approve of who we are. Of course, there are always things we need to work on - that's OK - we are, all, a work in progress. If you have issues that you know need to be addressed and you don't feel you can give yourself the big Five-Star Approval Rating - give yourself at least four stars; for Heaven's sake, recognizing a problem is half the battle!

What is important here is that we be our best for ourselves. No one else. If you're trying to please your lover, your mother, your boss, or your kids - you can forget about it. You won't find joy in that pursuit. Joy is a state of contentment that cannot be affected by outside forces.

Say out loud with me: Someone will not like something I say or do, today.
How do you feel? Not so good?
Say it again but this time add: Someone will not like something I say or do, today but that's OK - GOD AND I ARE WELL-PLEASED.

Better?

Your joy will return to you when you decide that others' approval is not important to who you know you are.

Finding my path,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on November 28, 2006 1:19 PM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy

Dear Girlfriends -

Do you have peace? Are you happy? What about joy - do you live in a state of pure joy? Not sure about the difference between the three? I like to define them this way:

Peace is a state of serenity.
But your peace can be interrupted when the telephone rings and it's your dead-beat brother-in-law looking for money again!
Happiness is an emotion when in a state of well-being.
But emotions are fickle and can change with the weather or a ten-second hormonal surge!
Joy is a state of contentment.
And it cannot be affected by outside forces.

Why, might you ask, is finding your joy so important? Great question! As per the Ellen-Webster book of definitions (see above) your peace and happiness are often interrupted or affected by others; joy is the one thing that you, and you alone, can control. No one can mess with your joy unless you let them.

Over the next several pages, I will share with you five very practical and personal steps that I used to find my joy. You will be able to take these and customize them for yourself to ensure you relocate your joy and never misplace it again.

I believe if Stella can get her groove back - we can all get our joy back, too!

Joyfully,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on November 21, 2006 11:17 AM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy

Dear Girlfriends -

I believe there is nothing in the world like the feeling you get when you perform a random act of kindness. I almost feel guilty for the pleasure I gain when I am helpful to someone. So if it feels so darn good, I wonder why we stop and think before we just do? Are we afraid we'll look too soft? Are we afraid we might be embarrassed if the offer for help is refused? Or, do we talk ourselves out of helping by drawing a fact-less conclusion that the person will be "fine"?

I believe we rob ourselves of joy by not giving something away - every day.

Most people limit their gifts to either money or time. Both are critical but there are other things that are important, too. Such as:

• Encouragement. Let's face - we're all faced with challenges every day. That's why I started writing these letters. Girlfriends need encouragement. Many of you give away encouragement by forwarding my notes of encouragement onto your girlfriends and some of you write me and cheer me on. What inspiration I gain from you!

• Parking spaces. I park on the last row. Well...yes...my husband, Steve, has conditioned me to do this over the years to protect my car from door dings but what I found is that by my taking a parking place on the last row - other people like moms with kiddos and elderly people can park closer to the door. I give away parking spaces and keep my husband off my fanny at the same time! Both bring me joy. 

• An extra pair of hands. Ever see a mom struggling at the grocery store or at the airport with her kids, bags, doors, car seats, etc.? I always smile, ask gently if I can lend a pair of hands - and have never been refused. The mother looks at me like I'm some sort of angel. What brings me joy about this? I usually get to hold the baby!

• Your seat. This one gave me my biggest jolt of joy, ever. I had the opportunity to give my first class seat to an Army Private coming home for leave from the war in Iraq. Every minute I sat in his middle seat, from Dallas to Portland was pure joy. What an honor it was for me to serve him, if only for 3 hours and 59 minutes. Wow! I could have floated off that plane. (And he was pretty tickled, too.)

• Forgiveness. I give forgiveness. Because I make mistakes, I know others do, too. I've found when I give forgiveness - it's me - not the other person who benefits. Forgiveness is freeing and being free is joyful.

Some people confuse this with being nice but it's not. It's totally selfish because there's nothing like the rush of joy when you give something away. So what do you give away?

Being selfish today,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on December 26, 2006 1:36 PM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy

Dear Girlfriends -

We all know that we shouldn't dwell on what we don't have. I think the more we dwell on it - the harder it is to come by. So if yearning for things robs you of your joy, the opposite must be true. Glory in what we have and the joy will come flowing through!

This is the Ellen version of "stop and smell the roses." Don't just be happy about the things or people in your life....take glory in them. Celebrate them. Be in awe of them. This isn't about the stuff - it's about how your heart thinks about the stuff! One important note: in order to glory in what you have, you will need to have mastered being in this moment.

So what do I glory in?

• A walk. I glory in the fact that I have feet and that I can walk. I walk everyday. It's good for my heart, my mind and my derriere. What a blessing!

• My Dean Martin CD. Dean Martin is pure joy. My mom, who died several years ago, loved Dean Martin and played his albums almost every Saturday evening when I was growing up. Warm, fond memories are good for joy.

• Cut flowers. I pick up a bouquet of cut flowers at the grocery store every week. Girlfriend, $6.99 can't buy anything else this good! Every time I look at them I am amazed. Joy in a six-inch vase. How cool is that?

• Dancing. I just dance and dance and dance....usually in the kitchen and usually to Dean Martin. I'm not very good but it seems to provide great entertainment for my husband - he gets joy from watching my joy!

• Sunshine. I'm fueled by sunny, warm days. How can this possibly be free? Well...I guess if you live in California you pay for it in property cost. But for the rest of us - it's free. Sunshine brings me joy.

What do you glory in? Life is full of blessings that we take for granted. Take a few minutes to make your own list. Once you recognize what you glory in and you learn to be in this moment - you'll glory in it more. And that will bring you joy.

Soaking up some of that free sunshine,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on December 19, 2006 1:33 PM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy

Dear Girlfriends,

I am a person of joy. Some people might even describe me as somewhat obnoxious in my state of contentment. But, I love having my joy and it's very hard to contain! Many women think that I have this abundance of energy and contentment because I live a perfect life. HA! No, my life is no more perfect than yours! But here's my secret: in the less than perfect conditions in which I live I have reconsidered what is important. I have reassigned my treasure.

But this tip comes with a warning label. It's not easy for anyone - and has been the toughest of all assignments for me.

Our family is far from ideal. Many people are very surprised to learn that in addition to our awesome daughter and son-in-law, Shauna and Adam, our son, Scott, is a non-functioning drug addict.

As a matter of fact, he's missing. Again. We've not heard from Scott in over two years. Could it possibly be worse? Yes. His drug of choice is methamphetamine. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe what a mother goes through when she knows her baby (yep, he's still my baby at 25 years old) is in a desperate situation, most likely sleeping on the streets (again), and can't find his way. I know that my once precious little redhead who loved being snuggled is standing in the threshold of death.

What mother among us envisions dealing with missing persons and calling the morgue on a monthly basis? I know I didn't. You see--we did everything "right". We went to church on Sunday; had dinner at the table as a family every night; we went to soccer games, band competitions and had fun-filled family vacations. This couldn't possibly be happening to us! Really girlfriend, sometimes I feel like I'm playing the part in a bad made-for-TV movie. The phone rings - regardless of the time of day--I anticipate that it's him. I literally hold my breath hoping that my one-time saxophone-playing, loveable, huggable, kid will say, "Hey, Mom! What's up?"

I share my story with you because like many mothers, my treasure was my children. I drew my creativity and my self-worth from my children's well-being. My dream of raising healthy, happy children was my energy source. But I learned through this journey that this is wrong; I can't commit my sanity, or insanity, to them. My joy must come from a higher place and for me that is knowing that God's agenda is greater than my own. Thus, I reassigned Him to be my treasure. I realized I must be joyful and strong regardless of this heartbreaking demise. Though darkness has taken my son--I absolutely refuse to relinquish my joy to it.

So, what is your treasure? Your job? Your home? Your mate? The quest for money or more stuff? Your children's success? Your position in your community? Be careful; it may make finding your joy an impossible task.

Living in joy,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on December 12, 2006 1:28 PM  |  Category: Finding Your Joy