Dear Girlfriends,

Sitting at the intersection, I was as lost as a goose in a new world. For the life of me, I couldn't get my bearings. I was so turned around I couldn't tell if I was heading north or south, and the rain only compounded my confusion. I had flown into San Jose early that morning and after a full day of client meetings, it was time to head to the hotel. But somewhere along the way I got lost. And to make matters worse-I was starving (low blood sugar significantly heightens my level of frustration).

As I sat at the light, I knew that to continue on my current path was a mistake; I also knew that the direction I had come from would not lead me to a plate of fried rice and a cozy bed. But which way to turn? I had neither enough information, nor experience in this part of town, to make a good decision, so I did what any intelligent human being (at least female) would do - I stopped at the convenience store and asked for directions from the man behind the counter. Ahmed became my navigational confidant.

Regardless of age or life stage, we all come to a crossroad from time to time - in our marriage; with our work; in our personal development. So where is "Ahmed" when we're dazed and confused, not knowing which way to turn? 

Surrounded by women who are rich in character, spunky in spirit, and successful not only in their careers but in living meaningful lives, I invited some of them to share with us their experiences while sitting at intersections that would change their lives forever.

If you're sitting at a crossroad today, I hope their stories will inspire you. Unlike my friend Ahmed in San Jose, they can't tell you which way to go, but I hope they will give you confidence as you turn on your blinker.
 

Better for the journey,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on March 11, 2008 2:21 PM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

My friend Connie is what I want to look like and act like when I'm 70 years old. Energy and enthusiasm follow her like an orb as she sprints her daily three-mile walk around our neighborhood. One word sums her up: light. She's pure light.

So, intrigued by this beautiful woman - chronologically old enough to be my mom but young enough in spirit to be my baby sister, I invited Connie to lunch. I wanted to know about the important decisions she had made in her life and how they had shaped her. I knew there was much to learn from this feisty character.

Connie said, "One of the biggest choices I had to make throughout my life was whether to extend forgiveness or to hold on to resentment. I took the wrong road. I chose to harbor my hurt."

Connie was birthed to a 17-year-old mom and an absentee father. Connie's mother, being both a glamorous and fun-loving woman, lacked the emotional maturity to be the "Mom" that Connie longed for. For 12 years, while her mom dated, Connie's grandmother, who lived with them, provided for her care and direction. But at last her mother did settle down with a fabulous father figure for Connie, and she looked to establish the mother-daughter bond that Connie had longed for, for so many years. But it was too late.

In those short but formative 12 years, Connie had learned to revel in resentment toward her mother and quickly realized, as her mother tried harder and harder to reach her, that she (Connie) had something to hold over her, and Connie found that she enjoyed the power. Connie said, "I fed my hurt."

Connie would find herself at this same intersection over and over, as her mom sought to soothe the pain she had caused for her then-young daughter. But Connie continued to turn onto the road of resentment instead of forgiveness. Connie's own kids were amazed that their mom - so giving and so forgiving of others - held onto bitterness with both hands when it came to their grandmother. 

As Alzheimer's besieged her once-healthy mom, Connie's heart began to soften. Her mom - still recognizing Connie - was comforted by her only child as her care-giver. But still, the important words had not been said. Finally, Connie found herself sitting at the corner of resentment and forgiveness for the last time.

At her mother's death bed, where she lay in a deep comatose state, Connie sent her family from her mother's room. She laid her head upon her mother's pillow and whispered softly in her mother's ear, "Will you forgive me?" Against all odds, Connie's mom, never opening her eyes, squeezed her daughter's hand.

Isn't it interesting that for 65 years, Connie's mom sought her forgiveness but in the end it was Connie who asked for hers? Connie realized that she had sacrificed years of incredible joys and celebrations in order to harbor her hurt, feed her pain, and try to right a wrong from so long ago.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
- Harriett Beecher Stowe

Connie mourned her mother's death but her tears were not bitter - she had made her peace with her mom, and herself. But as this wise and precious woman sat across from me at our table in the restaurant, her tears flowed with regret for the years wasted.

Are there words for you to say? Is their forgiveness for you to extend. . . or now, to request?

Girlfriends, turn on your blinker. Stop feeding your pain and extend grace. Don't waste the last precious years you have with someone by clutching your hurt like it's a priceless treasure. For the treasure you lose is the all that you might have enjoyed together.

Turning onto forgiveness,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on March 18, 2008 2:13 PM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

Intelligent, articulate, discerning, thoughtful, loving, and more fun than a barrel of monkeys are the words that describe my best friend, Paula. Focused and ambitious are two other words you could use to describe this beautiful woman and, like many of us, her quest for professional success created a distraction as she arrived at a crucial junction in her marriage.

Nine years into their marriage, Paula was at the pinnacle of her career and to boot, she was handsomely rewarded for her contributions to her organization. But thanks to a boss whose management style was - well, let's say unpredictable, Paula had developed a love-hate relationship with her job. Relishing the sound of her high heels clicking across the manufacturing floor and the pride that accompanied building an efficient, productive team, Paula precariously balanced the enjoyment of her work with popping Tums as the president entered her office doorway.

In the meantime, traveling around the world and dealing with the pressure that accompanied his own fast-paced sales world, her husband was also investing his energies and attention in his career; he was no more physically or emotionally available to Paula than was she to him.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months as the two slowly drifted apart, rarely engaging in meaningful conversation. While her husband turned to co-workers to unwind after an intense day, Paula turned to evenings out with her girlfriends as a form of stress management. Traveling in the same direction, but in different cars, they found themselves at an interesting intersection one Friday evening when Paula stated unapologetically and unemotionally, "I'm not happy."

As her husband passionately probed, Paula's tears finally fell as she expressed her frustration and stress with her work. Although knowing intellectually "it wasn't personal", her weariness from managing the intensity of an unreasonable boss had finally taken its toll. Interestingly to Paula, the work - not the crisis in her marriage - brought her to tears. The two now had a decision to make as they sat at the crossroads of making money or making a life.

Within 24 hours, Paula made the decision to put her professional calling on hold and went about building their life with the same gusto she had invested in building a successful career. She shifted her focus to the nuances of creating a nurturing, fun home life, while learning to be emotionally supportive to her husband as he built his career. He returned the favor several years later, taking early retirement while Paula went about building a new, rewarding professional life.

Paula shared with me, "Looking back, we only knew how to make money; we had absolutely no concept of what it took to build a life or to connect in a meaningful way with our family. But because we chose life, I became a more balanced person richly blessed by these 'prizes' - husband, family and friends, in my life."

If making money is contributing to the diminishing return on the quality of your life, maybe it's time to consider the road less taken. Choosing the greater mission - to make a life - takes sacrifice, conviction, and commitment, and as Paula and her husband approach their silver anniversary this fall, they know they chose the right road for them.

Counting her amongst my prizes,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 2, 2008 9:52 AM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

I have a new friend in my life; her name is Terri. I just love this quick-witted gal who entered my world via one of my best guy friends (it appears he does, after all, have good taste in women). During dinner one evening with the boys, Terri shared a story with me about a very recent crossroads in her life. This one might have you, like me, turning on your blinker.

During her senior year in high school, Terri returned to the United States, from Brazil, with her family. What could have been an awkward, lonely time was instead 52 weeks of teen-age bliss. This charismatic kid was quickly adopted by her fellow classmates in her suburban Michigan school, and especially by a girl named Marny.

Terri and Marny became inseparable, and the term "opposites attract" clearly applied to this odd couple. Spirited, adventurous Terri taught Marney how to have fun (and not get caught); in return, the studious Marny introduced Terri to "the word of the week," hoping to expand Terri's vocabulary and heighten her interest in her schoolwork. I can just picture this "Oscar and Felix" team watching the boys from the bleachers (they did have that in common).

After graduation they went to their respective colleges, keeping in touch and visiting one another often. Until one visit when Terri got her feelings hurt. Fueled by jealousy, Terri allowed her immature reaction to an innocent mistake to override their deep and dear friendship. Because she never revealed or honestly discussed the situation with Marny, Marny was left in the dark as to what had come between her from her best friend in the world. Marny finally gave up and withdrew from their friendship after Terri became unpredictable and irresponsible, often canceling plans with Marny at the last minute. Knowing she was being immature and hurtful, Terri said she still allowed her ego to trump truthfulness, never admitting that her feelings had been hurt or that she harbored a grudge.

A few years later, still estranged, they meet at a friend's wedding but the two didn't even speak. And at their 10-year reunion this dynamic duo, once as thick as flies, could only be seen having a cool, cordial conversation in passing. They sat at the intersection of hurt feelings of yesterday and reconciliation for tomorrow, and both turned to the wounds of yesterday. Neither would allow the healing of their scraped knees.

But when we allow it, time can work its magic, and hearts do soften - especially when we finally grow up and realize how few tomorrows we really have.

Preparing for her 20-year reunion, Terri realized it was time to turn on her blinker. Holding her breath as she clicked the send button, Terri resolutely reached out to her buddy from so long ago. I asked Terri, "Were you afraid you'd be rejected?" She answered, "I didn't think about that. I just knew this was the right thing to do."

Sitting under a tree on their high school lawn, the best friends reunited and began the journey toward reconciliation. Catching up on 20 years of joys, disappointments, successes, and failures, Terri said all she could think was 'what a loss'.

Girlfriends, there's a good chance that most of us either have or will sit at this intersection with an old friend. Are you still turning onto yesterday, refusing to let your scraped knee heal? Take a chance and take a right onto tomorrow; I have heard that reconciliation might be in the next block.

We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to
forgive our friends. - Sir Francis Bacon

Sending my email,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 9, 2008 8:25 PM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends, 

At the intersection of Prestige and Fulfillment, you'll often find an accident caused by a professional woman who either sat at the light too long or turned before the light changed green. When your financial livelihood and your emotional well-being are at stake, making a successful turn onto Fulfillment is all about timing. I have two very important women in my life who, along with me, left highly prestigious positions in Corporate America (think Rodeo Drive) for the scary, bumpy road of "something more" (which, from a distance, sometimes looks like Freddy Krueger Drive).

My friend Terry was truly at the top of her game, serving as the Sr. VP of Sales and Technical services for a Fortune 100 company. Her position personified the three P's of corporate success: Prestige. Power. And private jets. But the aggravations that accompany the corporate arena finally began to take their toll and at 57 years old, Terry bailed. Terry said she never looked back or missed the glamorous side of her work; "To be self-directed is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. I am living, rather than just working." And she began living just in the nick of time. Three years into retirement, Terry took on a battle with breast cancer that would have exhausted the most bullish CEO. Having the fortitude to deal with it appropriately, Terry elected for an aggressive form of treatment in order to "get on with life". Today, Terry is a successful career and life coach, guiding other women on how to rewire their life (www.thenewhorizonsgroup.com). Her timing was perfect.

Debbie was the Vice President of Merchandising for a major retailer and a visionary in the computer retailing industry; her influence and reputation commanded respect and delivered some pretty cool perks. But twelve years ago, Debbie took a huge risk to join an unknown, start-up consulting group (allow me to disclose that the "group" was me, myself and I - Debbie works with me at my marketing company) in order to attempt to find balance. Traveling all over the world while raising teen-agers, Debbie had no flexibility, no time to invest in her physical well-being, and no time to pursue her own personal interests. Today, she works when she wants, how much she wants, and from where she wants. Debbie shared with me, "Having the space to pursue my interests, while enjoying a rewarding career, has made me a much more balanced person." Her timing was perfect.

My story is similar to Terry's and Debbie's. Of the three of us, I was the first to walk out of my corner office, across a dark parking garage, arms loaded with boxes - scared out of my mind. But like Debbie and Terry, I knew in my heart that if I didn't trade the prestige and security of my position for a more sane workload, eventually I would forfeit my mind and body (and some days, I swear, they were after my soul). Arriving at this crossroads and timing the decision to open my own marketing company, I count amongst the five best decisions I have made in my life. My timing was perfect.

If you're on the way up the corporate ladder, my suggestion is for you to enjoy the climb. But when you arrive, if the view is not all it was cracked up to be - before you shimmy back down, let me share this with you:

Even though our stories are tales of success, there are many women who have regretted leaving their security for a new adventure. When speaking to professional women, the topic of this crossroads often surfaces and women ask for counsel. Here are the first five questions I tell them they need to answer before turning onto Fulfillment:

1.                   Do you have savings or another source of income to float you for twelve months? (It's harder, and usually takes longer than you ever forecast, to spin up a new business venture.)

2.                   Do you have a large network in which you are highly regarded? (The bigger and stronger the network, the better your chances for success.)

3.                   Are you leaving at the top of your game? (Here's where timing is critical. If you plan to continue working in your same industry, you must leave your current employer on an extremely high note.)

4.                   Are you determined you will not fail? (This probably doesn't need explanation, but determination and grit are keys to success.)

5.                   Will you be content if your earning potential is less than you earn today? (Not always, but sometimes, fulfillment comes with a price tag.)

 
An answer of 'yes' to all five indicates that the lights might be timed about right; only then, with a sound business plan in hand, should you proceed to Fulfillment with caution.

Fulfilled,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 22, 2008 10:47 AM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

Remember my girlfriend Connie, who sat at the intersection of Resentment and Forgiveness? Well, during our lunchtime conversation several weeks back, in addition to the story about forgiving her mom, Connie shared with me about the season in her life when she sat paralyzed at the intersection of Insecurity and Confidence. I am so happy I can share with you another profound lesson from this very wise woman.

A mother of four, Connie stayed home with their children while her husband built a successful career. Socializing and networking were critical to his advancement, but the circles in which her husband worked included people who were both incredibly creative and highly educated. Connie felt like an outcast to these interesting characters. Her perception was that because she stayed home with the kiddos, she added little to no value to the conversations. Over time, her confidence plummeted; her sense of self-worth cratered.

Having dropped out of college to have children, Connie's insecurity ultimately led to jealousy and her jealousy led to accusations. The accusations led to an ongoing argument that poisoned the atmosphere of their home and the future of their marriage.

For nearly 20 years, Connie came to this same intersection, always turning onto Insecurity rather than taking a proactive approach to address her issues. But it all changed when she elected to take a part-time job at a community college. Working in the counselors' office exposed Connie to coursework and degree plans, and this new information inspired Connie to return to the classroom. Over a period of ten years, taking one course at a time, Connie earned her Bachelor's degree...and her voice. Her maturity and life experience made her the teacher's pet and, along with her good grades, gave her a newfound confidence that she did have something important to share with the rest of the world. And, her education afforded her the opportunity to make an impact for humanity.

On a roll, Connie went on to complete her Master's degree. Attending classes on Saturdays and grinding through evening courses, Connie was an example of grit and determination as she studied side-by-side with her teenage children. Connie's self-assurance fueled her and re-ignited her marriage; she and her husband will celebrate their 50^th wedding anniversary this June (oh, they are the cutest couple you've ever seen!).
 

Are you sick of driving around and around Insecurity Circle? Perhaps it's time to change that one thing that keeps you from being the person you were destined to be. Perhaps it's time to let go of self-doubt for the pride in accomplishment. Perhaps it's time to boost the low self-esteem that not only threatens the quality of your life, but the quality of life of those you love.

Confidently yours,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 30, 2008 9:02 PM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past several weeks I have shared with you stories, as told to me, by my girlfriends who sat at important intersections in their life. Later in the summer, we will come back to this series so you can benefit, as I have, from the experiences and truths these gals have gleaned.

But to close out this phase of the series, I would like you to pause at the intersection you're sitting at right now. Regardless of our life stage, our socio-economic condition, our political leanings, or our spiritual understanding, we all sit at the intersection of Gratitude and Discontent - every morning and at the end of every day and several times in between. 

It is so easy for us to turn onto Discontent when people hurt us, when business is hard, when our expectations are not met, and when the brightness of tomorrow seems to never materialize. It's easy to whine, complain, and demand more out of everything from our relationships to our hotel stay (a source of my discontent last week - don't get me started). But to turn onto Discontent is a choice. And it's a choice that does us absolutely no good; a choice that is not just a "zero" in its effect on our state of contentment, but a negative. Turning onto Discontent only robs us of embracing those marvelous things we do have, and usually in abundance.

So, regardless of where you are today or what you're doing, I hope you will stop right now and start a blessings checklist. For every frustration and disappointment, I hope you will consider its counter - the blessing you have either already received or will receive in the future. And for every gift that doesn't cost you a thing - those people in your life whom you love and who love you, nature in her all her splendor, and your next heartbeat - I hope you will consider those things too, as you drive down Gratitude Way.

I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances. - Martha Washington

Grateful that I had a bed to sleep in,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 14, 2008 8:45 AM  |  Category: Crossroads