Dear Girlfriends,


I'm interested in what you did in your twenties and thirties.

How many of you were PTA moms who could organize and run the Halloween carnival better than P.T. Barnum himself? Or were PTA officers, running the board as smoothly as that of any Fortune 500 company?

How many of you were office managers? Delegating, motivating, and negotiating your way through the day better than the most experienced politician on Capitol Hill?

How many of you were sales reps? Representing your company's products or services and "fixing problems" as smoothly as a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat?

Do you remember those days when you commanded a room? When you were proud of the service you delivered to your children; your employer; your customer? Or have you forgotten the incredible contributions you made with confidence and pride?

With confidence and pride, a woman named Pearl knocked on my front door. I was a teen-age mom who had just moved away from my family and the only home I'd ever known to a suburb of Dallas. Since I had no family to support me, Ms. Pearl, about 50 years old at the time, waltzed into my home (after a bit of sleuthing on my part to determine if this woman was for real) and shared her wisdom with me and her lap with Shauna. This woman literally saved my sanity (and probably Shauna's life - I hadn't a clue what I was doing). When I asked her a couple of years later how I could ever repay her, she said, "Sometime in your future, you will come across a mother who needs you. Make sure you share with her what you've learned and be available."

Pearl didn't invest 20 hours a week in her mother/child development course; she volunteered her mothering and grandmothering services to Shauna and me for about two hours a week. For 120 luxurious minutes she took Shauna or sat with her in our home, giving me the only two-hour break this very young, very poor, very inexperienced mom would get all week.

Here's one of only about a hundred things I learned from watching Ms. Pearl: She recognized a need and she took action; she wasn't timid. She had caught her second wind and realized that her second-half contribution to society would be one mother and one baby at a time. Don't think this is life-changing? It was to me.

Whether you volunteer your managerial services to a non-profit, share your gifts of event planning with your church, or lend a lap to neighbor's child - catch your second wind. People need you. Your second wind will fuel you with confidence and pride when you step out and realize you really are making a difference.

Saying less and doing more,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on July 3, 2007 10:23 AM  |  Category: Catching My Second Wind

Dear Girlfriends,

I don't compete in races - shoot, I don't even consider myself a runner. But I do "jog" my three miles in 32 minutes and 15 seconds every Tuesday and Thursday, and most Saturdays. Sweating like a Texas sow in June, I do fine right up until I'm about 2.25 miles into the run. But then I hit a wall. My legs become heavy, my breathing is more labored, and I convince myself I can't go on. "This is stupid. Who am I trying to kid? I'm too old for this nonsense."

For the next quarter-mile, I doubt my ability to finish. For the next three minutes, I lose all confidence in myself; I dwell on my shortcomings; I focus not on what I've accomplished but on what's left to be done, and I become discouraged.

But I travel on. I continue to put one foot in front of the other because I know at about my 2.5 mile mark, I will catch my second wind and will have just the energy I need to carry me to my goal (and breakfast).

According to Wikipedia, there are several theories behind this phenomenon of catching one's second wind. One is that the second wind is the result of the body finding the proper balance of oxygen to counteract the buildup of lactic acid in our muscles; another theory is that the second wind is the result of an increase in endorphin production (endorphins are a group and type of hormone that reduces the sensation of pain and affects emotion); the final theory is that there are no physiological changes in the body at all, but that the second wind is purely psychological and is the by-product of the confidence and pride one gains by passing one's supposed limitations.

For some gals, we hit the wall in our mid-forties; others find they lack the stamina, or interest or even the desire to run a meaningful life-race in their fifties or sixties. No matter the decade, I think it happens to a lot of us, including the guys. Finishing the race becomes a challenge and finishing it well becomes pure fantasy.

I write a lot of Truth Nuggets for my young girlfriends and for working moms - but for the next few weeks, I'd like to write to my fabulous forty-, fifty-, and sixty-something girlfriends on the topic of catching our second wind - not only for our own benefit, but for those who stand on the sidelines cheering us on.

Tying my sneakers,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on June 30, 2007 10:13 AM  |  Category: Catching My Second Wind

Dear Girlfriends,

If you've been sitting on the sidelines for a while - either with your marriage or your personal development - sometimes it's hard to even think about getting into the race again. But the longer you sit in the bleachers, girlfriends, the more your muscles will atrophy.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine about this topic recently, and she shared with me that she knew she needed to make some changes in her life but that she was overwhelmed as to how to start. We determined that a great place for her to begin was through the development of her resume; not a resume listing all the places where she had worked, but a detailed list of all the contributions she had made over the past 30 years. Her next assignment was to zero in on those that she most enjoyed, in order to determine which of those activities were energy-fillers and why. Aligning your gifts with your giving will fuel you as you race toward your finish line of living intentionally.

If you're like her and need some motivation to get started, develop your resume. Then give yourself some time to think about the contributions you've made and what you loved most about them. Because if you loved it - there's a good chance you were exercising a strong gift or talent. What might be considered a gift?

Have others told you that you are a good listener?

Take your nieces, nephews, grandchildren, or godchildren to lunch. They'll tell you things they'd never share with their parents and sometimes - like us - they just need an objective ear.

Do you enjoy organizing parties?

Search out non-profits or churches that hold large events. What a shame to see women who aren't gifted in this area pulling out their hair!

Do you possess the gift of administration?

I don't have this gift, at all. Counsel your friends and help others through the governmental maze of Social Security and Medicare or take the lead in arranging for meals and care for the elderly in your own life.

Were you a great mother?

Rock a neighbor's baby or volunteer for the nursery at your church. Hundreds of young mothers miss out on their church service because there are not enough volunteers in the nursery. Trust me, young moms raising kids in our society today need to be sitting in a pew - they need all the help they can get!

Do you have connections in your industry?

Share your contacts with a non-profit. It's often not what you know but who you know that can turn a dying non-profit into a thriving enterprise.

Do you love to read?

Read a book to an inner-city child. Our daughter, Shauna, did this. Once a month she'd volunteer at a center for our city kids to read to them at lunch. I think she loved the hugs as much as the Spanish-speaking kiddos loved learning to speak English!

Do you enjoy driving?

Deliver meals on wheels. Or be like my friend's mom, Pat, and drive someone to chemo. Who knows what sustenance or "treatment" you'll get in return!

Are you talented in sales, marketing or operations?

Extend your professional experience to a non-profit. I extend my marketing skills to non-profits and we both benefit. They get good marketing direction and I get to feel good about giving good marketing direction!

Do you love shoes? Are you a fashion aficionado?

Volunteer at women's shelter to help them dress for success. I promise - you'll be made-over during the makeover!

Do you like to strategize? Were you an executive?

Non-profits desperately need your help; lend your expertise by volunteering for a board seat. Use your gift of being bossy where someone will really appreciate you!

Do you enjoy visiting with people? Can you walk?

Walk across the street to speak to a lonely neighbor. One day you might be the one peering out the window.

Are you gifted in empathy and discernment? Can you talk?

Answer a suicide hotline - that'll take your mind off your problems.

Get off your duff. Make a list and make a change.

Consciously choosing,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on July 24, 2007 2:21 PM  |  Category: Catching My Second Wind

Dear Girlfriends,

When asked how long she and her husband, Bill, have been married, my girlfriend Kathy says, "We've been married for 34 years; 29 of those, happily." This just cracks me up.

Growing pains are a given in a young marriage - where each partner is learning to understand and appreciate the finer details of what it means to need a new "outfit" (how can they not know what it means to accessorize?) and what it means to need new speakers and a sub-woofer (I quickly learned that music - especially the bass - can never be loud enough). About the time you get the basics ironed out, careers take off and kids arrive on the scene and life becomes a never-ending relay between round-the-clock work, soccer games, orthodontist appointments, house renovations, moves from coast to coast, and the occasional family vacation. But then, almost without warning, the kids leave home or the job is over. And the silence is deafening.

It is at this time that many couples roll over in bed and look at their mate for the first time in 20 years and ask (if only to themselves), "Who in the heck are you and what could we possibly have in common?"

My first marriage ended after ten years, so I know the agony that goes with saying the "d" word. But when I hear of a 30-year marriage that's come to a slow, unbearable end - my heart just stops. Could this marriage that's seen the good, the bad, and the ugly have made it if one or both of them had caught their second wind?

If 50 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40, we shouldn't be surprised that divorce amongst men and women ages 40-79 is skyrocketing - not just here in the U.S. but world-wide. It's been dubbed the "grey divorce" but I think it should be called the "dismayed divorce". Or at least I was dismayed when my father announced to me as I was planning my parents' Silver Wedding Anniversary that there wouldn't be one. (Totally self-centered, the first words out of my 17-year-old mouth were, "Can't you guys just wait until one of you dies?" Oh, how mature of me.) I didn't know then what I know now - that only 33% of all newlyweds will dance to the oldies at their 25th anniversary celebration.*

There are hundreds of theories, reasons, and conditions that lead to a breakup, just one of which is that the couple grew apart. But I have a theory that growing apart is not the issue; not growing is where I think relationships become unhinged.

When one mate fails to invest in their own development, education, hobbies, work, volunteerism - they can become a relationship defeatist by hyper-focusing on and over-analyzing every nit and nat. If either of you have nothing to focus on other than your 25-year-old children or your career of yester-year - there's a good chance that when the kids are gone or the job ends, you're going to feel lost. And he can't - nor can she - in a million dog-gone years, fill the void. It's up to you to find new interests.

When one of my girlfriends sent her last chickadee off to college, she lamented that she and her husband had become total strangers. The last 25 years had been all about the kids and their work - both which were coming to a close. She asked me one evening, "What do we do?"

I didn't know the answer to her question. But I do know this. When you choose to invest in your own development you will be fulfilled; when you are fulfilled you are more confident; when you're more confident you're happier; and when you're happier - you're a lot more fun and interesting to be around. And being a fun, interesting person can only improve your relationship, not hinder it. Now, if both of you will invest in your interests, those you pursue together and alone, imagine how the sparks might fly!

Girlfriends, you're on the downhill stretch. Catch your second wind. It might save that 24-year commitment. Look toward the future and think how glorious it will be to hear you both say, "We've been married 42 years and the last 20 totally rocked."

The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
- Charles Dubois

Sprinting towards number 18,

Ellen

*Statistics taken from Divorce Magazine.com

Posted by Ellen on July 17, 2007 12:30 PM  |  Category: Catching My Second Wind

Dear Girlfriends,


Are you depressed?

Wow! I just put it out there in black and white, didn't I?

I think a lot of women wake up at their mid-life mark feeling tired; burned out by work or family, or both. Some feel lost and alone; the kids are grown and gone while hubby still has his work. Others have told me they feel irrelevant; the world just seems to be passing them by. After a while, the more we think about it - the deeper we tumble into our despondency.

We all know that depression can be caused by hormonal imbalances, or brought on by a trauma or crisis. But depression can also be triggered when we fail to balance our self-centered obsessions (yes, I know this is a strong word but let's be honest and call a spade a spade) with thoughts or actions invested on behalf of others.

My girlfriend Dina told me a great story about her mom, Patricia. Pat had been a little "down in the dumps," with too much time on her 73-year-old hands. Through Dina's sister, Pat learned about a woman with terminal cancer who needed someone to drive her to her chemotherapy treatments. Not thinking much of it, Pat volunteered to drive her one week. Then she volunteered to drive her the next week, and the next, and the week after that. Dina said that her mom's attitude changed overnight due to this young mother's spirit of gratitude for every day of life she was given to spend with her three children, the youngest only four years old.

Pat's new sense of balance between self-concern and other-concern gave her a second wind. But here's something else important that happened: Pat, at seventy-three years old, is still role-modeling, providing yet another example of living an authentic, purposeful life for her grown daughters and granddaughters.

Dina is so proud of her mom that she was beaming through the phone as she told me the story. Knowing that her mother is providing this wonderful service for this young dying mother, Dina could hardly get the story out fast enough. She said, "Mom's not investing a lot of time or money - but for three hours a week, she's making a huge difference in this woman's life. And this woman is such a great influence for my Mom. I couldn't be more proud of her for stepping up and saying, 'I'll take her.'"

Girlfriend, are you spending too much time in your "oh, woe is me" world? If we're not careful, our self-centered focus can blind us to the needs of others, causing our wee problems to loom much larger than they really are. Worrying about yourself and concentrating on the needs of others cannot cohabitate in the same mind, at the same time.

Move out of the darkness and into the light by turning your depression into action. Someone needs you.

Making my problems look small,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on July 11, 2007 10:49 AM  |  Category: Catching My Second Wind