Dear Girlfriends,

Swine flu. Road rage. Falling markets. Rising prices. Bailouts. Job elimination. Kids in trouble. Marriage failing. Cancer.

Get in the same room with three of your girlfriends and have them line item their personal list of fears and disappointments and I bet you'd all be tempted to crawl under the table. The point is: bad stuff happens. Life is increasingly difficult and these days, for many of us, it feels like it is spinning out of control. Out of our control.

And because we feel vulnerable to the world, our employers, and even those we love the most - our families, we sometimes begin to operate in a state of panic; or a state of fear, jealousy, greed, or rage. In a nutshell: we've lost perspective. And, because our state of mind is focused on the negative, we've lost the concept of hope.

But we can get it back.

Over the next few months I'd like to open a dialogue with you regarding the state in which we choose to operate, what's behind our negativity, and how a shift in our thinking can bring us clarity, peace, and confidence.

Miracles do happen. Fortunes can be remade. Love does come again. Children do return. Hearts are mended. Purpose is realized. And joy awaits us all when we choose to operate in a new state of mind.

Being mindful of my state,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 4, 2009 2:23 PM  |  Category: A State of Mind

Dear Girlfriends,

I love the tale of Chicken Little. The story goes that one day there was this Chick walking around in the woods when an acorn popped her one the head. It scared her so bad and she shook so hard, that half her feathers fell out. The Chick (now looking pretty darn scary, I guess) further wigged out and started crying, "Help! Help! The sky is falling. I have to go tell the king!" But on the way she spread the awful story of impending doom by telling her girlfriend Ducky Lucky; and then she carried on to Goosey Loosey; and, of course, Turkey Lurkey had to hear the bad news, too. Chicken Little's fear, based on her limited knowledge and experience, spread negativity and panic through her network like a bad rash.

I have a C.L. in my life, and you probably do, too. Like Chicken Little, my C.L. also chooses to operate in a state of fear. Without fail, at lunch or dinner, the storm clouds gather as she breathlessly broadcasts the demise of our country, the unraveling of our social fabric, and the end of our economy. She casts such a foreboding shadow over the conversation that by the time dessert is served - everyone around the table is ready to slit their wrists. Not because she's an expert in politics or finance or societal issues -but because she's an expert in being a Chicken Little!

Fear is contagious. Once a C.L. starts talking trash, just watch - all the rest of us will fall in line. Steve and I recently spread the contagion to each other. We had become so convinced that our condo building wasn't going to close, we worked ourselves into a tizzy. And like Chicken Little, we stressed. While we didn't lose our feathers, we did lose sleep . . . and peace.

Our C.L. episode came to an end one morning when, independently, we came to the conclusion that our negative thinking was choking out hope. Hope for this great home that we had planned for and saved for and...waited almost two years for. We realized that we had chosen to operate in a state of fear, based on nothing more than rumor and our vivid imaginations.

The uncertain outcome for our condo cottage-in-the-sky had dragged on for months, so you can only imagine our amazement when two days later - the deal and the closing date were confirmed. (We closed this morning.)

Wasted energy. Operating in a state of fantasy-based fear is just useless. Yes, bad things can happen, but our fear (whether real or imagined) won't fix it. It can, however, choke all thoughts of a bright future from our heart and mind. But maybe worse than that, the resulting negativity steals precious conversations and exchanges of hope with others.

So, I've decided to shift my thinking. By operating in a state of confidence, I now consciously hold onto words like "promise," because my life story, while not always rosy, could have been a lot worse. And I wait expectantly on the future - knowing that good things happen every day and good things will continue to happen for our country, our economy, my family, and ...me.

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. - Anonymous

Have you fallen into the rathole of Chicken Little thinking? Choose today to operate in a state of confidence for your future and share that state with others by gently deflecting the negative chatter. The sky ain't fallin'.

Ducky Lucky,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 12, 2009 4:01 PM  |  Category: A State of Mind

Dear Girlfriends,

"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can

live at peace with others." - Peace Pilgrim

As I considered writing this series and the various states in which we choose to operate, one question continued to resurface: How does our operating in a particular frame of mind affect our sense of inner peace? And, if operating in a negative state proves to be a detriment to our own emotional well-being, why do we continue go there?

Any thought process we allow ourselves to engage in has the opportunity to either feed us or deplete us. I know of few states of operation that are more harmful to ourselves and others than that of operating in the state of rejection.

From the get-go - I was not exactly accepted. My bold, goal-oriented, opinionated, overly-confident, type-A personality was not exactly a welcomed addition to the family. For a few years, as a very young bride, I worked hard to be who I was expected to be - but the harder I tried, the more miserably I failed. After a while, I finally just stopped trying altogether. And I purposefully chose to live in the state of rejection, too.

But two wrongs don't make a right; living in a state of rejection does not make for a harmonious family unit; and operating in anything less than a state of acceptance certainly does nothing for living a life of personal peace, contentment, and joy. It takes a lot of negative, nasty energy to reject someone.

I was having lunch with a new acquaintance last week when she told me about her husband; theirs is a mixed-race union. Always intrigued by family dynamics, I asked Tricia how each of their families accepted the other. My energetic, lovely 50-something friend threw her head back and laughed - telling me this story:

"I stood behind George as he knocked on the back door of Aunt Lucy Mae's house.

She answered and threw her arms around George's neck, welcoming him home.

I slipped in behind him. Releasing her embrace from George, Aunt Lucy Mae

put her hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye as she exclaimed,

'And Honey, I'm going to love you because I have to!'

It doesn't matter that our personalities perfectly complement. It doesn't matter if our views or values always align. What matters is it that we open our hearts and arms in the state of acceptance - sometimes just because we have to.

Some of you, my girlfriends, are young brides learning your way around a new family; and some of you, my girlfriends, are now in-laws sharing your son or daughter or brother or sister with another. So I think Aunt Lucy Mae's lesson is good for us all. When it comes to building and retaining family and finding our own inner peace - living in a state of acceptance versus the state of rejection, changes the game. For everyone.

Loving Aunt Lucy Mae,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 28, 2009 11:24 AM  |  Category: A State of Mind

Dear Girlfriends,

I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I work hard to set myself up for success and over the years, I've come to realize that making a vow to make a significant change to one's life (or diet) is best not done with a glass of champagne in one hand and a cracker dipped in cheese ball in the other. But this year was different.

I was in India when the stock market took its first shocking plunge. Between Mumbai and Chennai and Trivandrum, I'd check the market via my iPhone every other day just to see how far the roller coaster called the NYSE had dipped. But walking among some of the poorest in the world, I found myself alarmingly disinterested in the Dow. Clearly, India was a good place to be to keep such things as my retirement in perspective.

After I returned home, as the stock market continued to tank, I watched as a portion of our savings was sucked down the drain with it. Having built our nest egg the hard way - one little robin's egg at a time over the past 20 years - I was shocked, along with the rest of the world, by just how quickly it evaporated. But between my return from India at the end of October and the close of the Christmas season, I came to realize something very important about the old state in which I operated as it relates to material possessions, wealth, work, time, favors - and, yes, even forgiveness.  Choosing to operate in a state of deficiency robs one's peace.

Although I'm a Positive Polly, I struggle like many people with the fear that I'm going to run out of, well . . everything. (You should see how I stockpile canned chicken broth. Embarrassing.) But I think I might have been especially concerned about running out of money. Choosing to operate in a state of abundance, I shifted my thinking to what I have today, no longer focusing on what I might not have tomorrow. Realizing that I have everything and more of what I need today, I have complete peace.

Every day, I race with the 24-hour clock and most days, Father Time kicks my butt. But by living in a state of abundance, I breathe a little easier - knowing I have just the amount of time I'm supposed to have on this earth until God calls me home. However, last week I fell off the abundance wagon as I prepared for this week's move from our apartment to the condo. Hopefully, I will not be standing at the Pearly Gate before the movers arrive tomorrow morning, or my angst with time will all be for naught. But isn't that the whole downside to deficient thinking? It never pays off.

I'm pretty good about being available to my friends when they need a comforting shoulder to lean on, but I have to admit, I often fall into a state of deficiency when they fail to reciprocate. This is when I have to stop and slap myself silly to re-engage in abundant thinking. I've found over the past six months of consciously choosing to operate in a state of abundance that it is impossible, impossible, not to forgive.

Living in a state of abundance, I think I might be a better me. I know that this new state of mind has made me a more generous person. And I know it's also helped me to maintain a much more sane schedule. But mostly, I think living in a state of abundance has brought me peace: with myself; with circumstances outside my control; and with those who seem to be in my life for no other reason than to aggravate the fool out of me.

What state are you operating in today? Choose abundance. The more you think it, the more you live it. The more you live it, the greater your peace.  

Giving stuff away,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on June 11, 2009 6:31 PM  |  Category: A State of Mind

Dear Girlfriends,

I find myself struggling today. I'm fighting to keep my hands off the string that controls my kite of relationship. It's a bitter battle and in order to win, I must remind myself constantly to live in a state of release. Trying to manage this situation - physically, mentally, and emotionally - is a losing battle when trying to control a kite in the winds of addiction.

My kite metaphorically represents my relationships with those I love, and for too long, I have expertly tugged on the line, trying to control the will, the behavior, and the desires of my son.

Over the past two-and-a-half years of Scott's recovery, I've had some real hands-on practice. A little over a year ago, I found myself exhausted one day, when Scott briefly relapsed after a year of sobriety. I'll never forget that day. He called me while I was at work. I listened (completely devastated) and I cried (selfishly as much for myself as for him). Then, I hung up the phone and laid my head down on my desk. And I finally, finally, after 27 years of holding my arms in the air, let go of the kite.

I made a decision at that moment to set Scott free to make his choices - good ones and bad. I set Scott free to become a man, rather than a son. And I set myself free from the fantasy that I was in control.

Choosing to live in a state of release is almost impossible for high-achievers; we know not how to release our hold on a dream, even when it is evident that it's not our dream to live. Choosing to live in a state of release is not an easy one for mothers - whether our children are struggling with substance abuse or wrangling with college admission. And choosing to live in a state of release is not easy for wives, either - whether our marriages are rock-solid or teetering on the edge. As women, we're genetically inclined to believe that we can manage it or fix it - regardless of what "it" is. We drive ourselves crazy trying to make things happen, but only find peace when we finally stop.

Because I am an action-oriented person, I had come to believe that my actions could positively affect Scott's outcome. It took me nearly thirty years to learn that I have only, and then only sometimes, a small influence over others' decisions. Good thing I came to this conclusion when I did, or else I would have a hard time writing to you today. Scott relapsed, again, last month.

Relapses are often part of the difficult journey for addicts and when they occur, all the hard work and the trust that has been formed over the months and years quickly evaporates. As it did with us. So again - he starts over with day one of the sobriety count. And again - I remind myself to let go of my kite to live in a state of release versus the state of control.

Yesterday, Scott was robbed and beaten as he waited on a bus (in an area of town he shouldn't have been in). I awoke in the middle of the night and wrestled with my kite as fear took hold of my imagination. Tomorrow, he takes a bold step into a new world as he takes his first college course. And, hope flickers. But the future will be whatever it will be and I no longer entertain the thought that I can affect it, one way or the other.

Girlfriend, are your arms tired? Are you just worn out from living in a state of control? Choose to operate in a state of release - it will free you both.

Letting go,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on July 6, 2009 4:33 PM  |  Category: A State of Mind

Dear Girlfriends,

Last week, Steve and I were trying hard to bring some "normal" back to our lives. He had surprised me with dinner reservations to celebrate the 20^th anniversary of our first date. It had been a rough week (and it was only Wednesday). In the midst of our drama with Scott, Steve's dad - Al - took a sudden turn for the worse as the terminal cancer he has been fighting reared its ugly head, letting us know that the end was near. But before our entrees arrived, our week got a bit harder. Steve's cell phone rang and we learned that someone else who meant the world to us was gone: Harvey died.

Harvey was Steve's second cousin who was - and I'm not exaggerating - perhaps the finest man that walked the face of the earth. I could tell you about his phenomenal business success, about the beautiful daughters he raised, or about his exceptional marriage of 43 years to Carole (my other earthly idol). I could write to you about Harvey's passion for anything and everything and how he clung to life because he knew, better than anyone I know, how to live every moment with true enthusiasm.

But the legacy that Harvey left me - and probably every other person he met - was the understanding that to Harvey, I was important. Harvey was gifted at making everyone in his presence feel significant.

Harvey never wasted an opportunity to make his engagement with others an event. Because he lived in San Diego, Steve had been in Harvey's presence less than a dozen times. But Steve said he could remember every one of those times like it was yesterday.

Regardless of one's age, station in life, or past, Harvey engaged with us as if we were royalty. Harvey could do this with ease because he lived in a state of significance, himself. Understanding that he played a critical role in every interaction he had with every human being in his path, he managed to elevate the confidence of those around him. Harvey knew when we met 20 years ago that he was important to making this new future bride with her two kids in tow feel welcomed and important, not just to the family circle - but to him. After meeting Harvey, I knew I belonged.

Had Harvey operated in a state of anonymity he could not have possibly made me feel so highly valued. His positive energy begat positive energy. If he had believed he was inconsequential, I'm sure that negative energy would have been contagious, too.

As I write you this morning, I watch my father-in-law sleep. He has stopped eating all together except when a nurse's aide named Chonqualia sits at his side. Her confidence and warmth and her million dollar smile indicate to me that she, too, lives in a state of significance as she coaxes Al to take "just a bite". I've known Qualia for only a few days, but I can tell you this: Al knows he's important when he's in her presence.

So, if you will, in tribute to Harvey, Chonqualia, and to those who might have made you feel important sometime in your life, I hope you will join me this week to choose to operate in a state of significance. If not for yourself - do it for all those you leave in your wake.

Significant because Harvey made it so,

Ellen

Posted by Ellen on July 23, 2009 4:40 PM  |  Category: A State of Mind