"Don't use that tone with me, young lady." If there's a female child in your
life, and she's talking, there's a good chance you've had the opportunity to
use this line. If you haven't - well, clearly she has not yet entered puberty.
Respect.
Most of us expect our children to respect us. But can they define it? Do our
children know what it means because we've showed them, or because we've simply
demanded it?
I define
respect as an attitude of gratitude and the discipline of self-control. With
the exception of a couple of hormonal outbursts when she was a pre-teen, our
daughter Shauna has always been respectful. And now it's my turn to return the
favor. You see, genuine respect is a two-way street, and the respect I want Ava
to see is the attitude of gratitude I have toward her parents. I had a good
role model for this one; I know what it looks like because my Mammaw showed me.
As I've
shared with you in previous Truth Nuggets, my Mom struggled with substance
abuse as the result of mental illness. As a child I idolized her but as I grew
older, her issues became a source of
embarrassment for me. By the age of 15, my respect-o-meter had hit an all-time
low.
Taking my
grievances to my grandmother, I ranted and raved. But not once, not once, in all my years of Mom-bashing
would Mammaw join in. My beautiful gray-haired grandmother would quietly listen,
and then remind me how much my mother loved me, as she gently turned the
conversation to a more positive topic. Mammaw modeled for me that respect is not
only something a mother hopes to receive from her child, but is something a mother
also returns.
This topic
cuts close to the bone for those of you who have been on the receiving end of
negative comments made by a parent or an in-law. You know first-hand the pain this
inflicts and how confusing it was for your child; how it totally undermines the
philosophy of respect. Because you were hurt, you understand this intangible of
genuine respect at a gut level, and most likely model it well for the children
you influence.
Others, who
have not lived through such an experience, might not fully grasp that every
word out of their mouth has an impact on the child in their life. Snide
comments, hurtful teasing, and unreasonable criticism can paint a picture for a
child that their parent is undeserving of their respect. We so often forget
that every word said and every tone used is either positive or negative.
Nothing is neutral. Especially to a child and regardless of their age.
At the Sugar Pop (which is wherever Sugar and Pop live at the moment), we have begun to model genuine respect
for Ava. As we feed her and rock her and play with her, we share with her the many
charming characteristics of her Mommy and Daddy. Yes, she's only six months
old, but she will learn this one cold: She's a blessed child to have these two awesome
human beings as her parents. There will be no mom- or dad-bashing at our house,
either.
Learning
the ropes of parenting an adult child is not much different from parenting a
newborn; it's all trial and error. We make it up as we go along, sometimes
without thinking of the greater consequences of our actions. But today, I am
thinking. And I'm thinking that what I say or don't say will have a lasting
impact on Ava Lynn's understanding of genuine respect. And because I have
something good to say, I'm going to take the time to say it.
Respectfully
yours,
Ellen,
a.k.a. Sugar
A few weeks
ago my sleep-deprived daughter, sporting spit-up on her blouse, looked me
straight in the eye and said, "No one told me it was going to be this hard." I
just looked at her and blinked. The "no one" she was referring to was me. Uh-oh.
After she
left I basked in my self-pride of making motherhood and selfless devotion look
so easy. But then I became confused. Wait
. . .how could she not know this is sometimes very hard? Had she not seen
selfless devotion for these past 30 years?
Well, of
course she had - but like most of us, she didn't know what she was looking at.
Our
recognition of selfless devotion is like our relationship with the sun: it
comes up every morning without our doing a single thing. We take it for
granted, enjoying its light and relishing its warmth. But even though it's a
constant in our life, we rarely really "see" it. Only the occasional
spectacular sunrise or sunset gets our attention. And we certainly don't
appreciate what's going on in the background. Few of us understand the way our
solar system hangs together. No, we give little thought to what it takes for Mr.
Sunshine to smile on us every day. It's the same with selfless devotion.
My friend
BJ didn't know what it looked like, either; not because she took it for
granted, but because she had never laid eyes on it. Ever.
When she
was a baby, BJ's biological mom gave her to a woman who worked in a bar, who -
when BJ was only 15 years old - left BJ alone to raise herself. At the age of
46, prior to a major surgery, BJ began looking for someone to hire to take care
of her as she recuperated at home. But a precious friend, who had invited BJ
into her family, volunteered her mom, Genny, for the job, insisting that this
was the solution to BJ's convalescence needs. Little did BJ know that this
would be a close encounter of the selfless kind.
One night,
after BJ got up to go to the restroom, she returned to her bed - but the bed
was not as she had left it. BJ held her breath; she was in awe. While BJ was
up, Genny had quietly crept into her room to straighten her sheets and blankets
. . . and Genny had fluffed her pillow.
In all her life, BJ had never had anyone fluff her pillows. As BJ told me the
story, I could just see this precious little woman padding across the floor to
deliver selfless devotion under the cover of night. But unlike the rest of us
who have had our pillows fluffed, BJ knew what she was looking at. It was like looking
at the sun for the very first time.
I know that
many of you, my girlfriends, are young mothers who are just learning the ropes -
and I'm sure there are days when you're overwhelmed (as we all were). As you
sacrifice your physical, material, and emotional needs for those of your child,
I hope you will take time to think about and thank your own mom. As imperfect
as she might have been, she also sacrificed for you - even if you didn't notice
all that was going on in her solar system, behind her eyes . . . and in her
heart. There were sacrifices I'm sure she made, even if you didn't know what
you were seeing. And so it will be for your child.
Shauna will
make mothering look easy; so much so, that Ava probably won't know it's
selfless devotion that she's looking at, either. And one day, thirty years from
now, Shauna can think of her own good answer when Ava says, "No one told me it was going to be this
hard."
Fluffing
pillows for the next generation,
Ellen,
a.k.a. Sugar
Lying by
omission. Skirting the rules. Shirking our responsibilities. Failing to admit
fault. These are only a very few of the more benign characteristics of a
disgraceful life we have seen modeled for us. The list is long and gets ugly,
and it has become mostly acceptable in today's society. So acceptable that
unfortunately many of us have modeled these negative traits to our own children
and grandchildren. Disgrace - yes, we've seen it. But honor? Do we know what it looks like?
At a
conference last summer, I heard General Colin Powell speak about his concern
for our country and our role on the world stage. As he discussed this topic and
other societal issues, he said that bringing dishonor to his family was not an
option. He and his cousins were raised with the concept that disgrace is not a
personal thing - it's a family matter. This got me thinking: how do you instill
the concept of honor in a child?
Over the
years you've read about the struggles we've experienced with our son, Scott. I
can be honest after 27 years of denial. Disgrace pretty much sums up his situation
- a pathological liar, a methamphetamine addict, a manipulator. Today, he's
working hard to overcome his challenges but as for the concept of honor, I don't
think he has a clue. On the flip side. . .
Our
daughter Shauna was born a truth-teller. I would just crack up at the things
she would volunteer; at the innocent age of three, she would "fess up" just to
get those sins off her chest! She was
born a person of integrity; but I didn't teach her that, any more than I taught
Scott to lie. I can no more take credit for the honorable life and high moral
standards our daughter lives by than I can shoulder the blame for our son's
failure to live by a code of ethics. So did I miss something in my own personal
modeling and explanations of expectation
when it comes to honor? I think maybe I did.
You see, I
know exactly what honor looks like. Honor sat at the dining room table with me
celebrating his 80th birthday last month. There, in flesh and blood,
was a man of profound integrity. My second cousin Jerry, and his wife of 56
years, have lived a life of such dignity that I was literally bursting with
pride at the mere thought of being related to them. And let me tell you, their living example of a life without
compromise has worked - you should meet their two sons, their spouses, and their
grandchildren; absolutely amazing people, and
children, of character. But this isn't an anomaly; the two preceding
generations of the
So . . . back
to the rest of us. How do we, who were not modeled an honorable life or have
made grievous mistakes, right the wrongs for our next generation? I would like
to propose an equal balance of family pride and shame. Let's start with the
unpopular topic of shame.
Shame is a
feeling that some generations of our society will have no concept of. A word so
ugly we have purged it from our vocabulary. A tool in building a life of
character that has been buried for the sake of building Susie's self-esteem.
Sure, you can shame someone to the point of damaging her self-confidence or psyche.
But have we gone overboard? Have we failed to define and explain honor because
the opposite - the teaching tool of shame - is out of vogue?
In lieu of
shame, my parents indulged me with a glossy version of high-level scolding so
as to not damage my self-esteem. And as my parents modeled for me, I, along
with millions of other mothers of my generation, continued this same example of
forfeiting the discussion of shame - both personal and family - for the
building of our children's confidence.
On the flip
slide of shame is a sense of family pride. And this is what I believe my
cousins Jerry and Betty have probably modeled and taught - that we have an
obligation to our family and out of that obligation comes a desire to be a person of distinction; a
person who lives above the fray.
So as I
think about my granddaughter Ava and what I want her to see - I want her to see
what honor looks like. I can't right my past wrongs, but I can sure be mindful
of my examples and teachings today. I will assist her parents as they balance
the teaching of shame with stories of generations of honorable ancestors. We
will model for her that a life of honor is developed one important decision
at a time. And following Jerry and Betty's example, Steve and I hope
that Ava will feel the same sense of family pride as she, one day, looks across
the dining room table at us.
Hoping to
re-start an old-fashioned trend,
Ellen,
a.k.a. Sugar
What are the
secrets to living an honorable life? The advice is endless. You can read about them
in books or in magazines. You can watch the discussions on Oprah. You can go to
a psychologist, hire a coach, or learn about them online. You can even chime in
on the topic on blogs, like mine. But have you ever seen what the attributes of an honorable life look like?
On December
7, 2007, I fell in love for the first time in 18 years, and I fell hard. Tears
flooded my eyes and my mind raced as I looked upon the precious face of my
first grandchild, Ava, and considered all she would behold in her lifetime and
the important lessons she would learn. My role as her grandmother (I'm coaching
her to call me Sugar) seemed a daunting
one as I considered all my grandmother had been to me: my teacher; my playmate;
my confidant; my spiritual advisor; my role model. How would I compare to the
greatest Mammaw of all time? (But
don't call me Mammaw - I'm way too hip.)
For the
next several weeks after Ava's birth, I kept a list of the things that I hoped
she would see in her lifetime. Although the list is long, it doesn't include
Disney World, Miley Cyrus, or the shoe department at
So what are
some of the things on my list that I want Ava to see?
Timeless
Honor
Selfless
Devotion
Genuine
Respect
Work/life
Balance
Considerate
Inclusion
Meaningful
Traditions
Mindful
Appreciation
Working
Friendships
Marriage
Partnerships
Successful
Divorce
Because children
are always watching (and because teenagers never listen), we know for a fact
that our actions speak louder than words. So let's begin the important discussion
as to how we, as sisters, aunts, godmothers, mothers, grandmothers, and
great-grandmothers, can model an honorable life for our next generation.
Standing in
some very big Mammaw shoes,
Ellen, a.k.a.
Sugar
One of the most profound books I've ever read, The Traveler's Gift is a modern-day parable of one man's choices - and the attitudes that make the difference between success and failure. This is a MUST read for everyone, but of particular value to those who face burnout.]]>
Over the past several
weeks I have shared with you stories, as told to me, by my girlfriends who sat
at important intersections in their life. Later in the summer, we will come
back to this series so you can benefit, as I have, from the experiences and
truths these gals have gleaned.
But to close out this
phase of the series, I would like you to pause at the intersection you're
sitting at right now. Regardless of our life stage, our socio-economic
condition, our political leanings, or our spiritual understanding, we all sit
at the intersection of Gratitude and Discontent - every morning and at the end
of every day and several times in between.
It is so easy for us
to turn onto Discontent when people hurt us, when business is hard, when our
expectations are not met, and when the brightness of tomorrow seems to never
materialize. It's easy to whine, complain, and demand more out of everything
from our relationships to our hotel stay (a source of my discontent last week -
don't get me started). But to turn onto Discontent is a choice. And it's a choice
that does us absolutely no good; a choice that is not just a "zero" in its effect
on our state of contentment, but a negative. Turning onto Discontent only robs
us of embracing those marvelous things we do
have, and usually in abundance.
So, regardless of
where you are today or what you're doing, I hope you will stop right now and start
a blessings checklist. For every frustration and disappointment, I hope you
will consider its counter - the blessing you have either already received or will receive in the future. And for
every gift that doesn't cost you a thing - those people in your life whom you
love and who love you, nature in her all her splendor, and your next heartbeat -
I hope you will consider those things too, as you drive down Gratitude Way.
I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances. - Martha Washington
Grateful that I had a
bed to sleep in,
Ellen
An honest, authentic account of what it's like to wrestle with God and the ones we love. Patricia Raybon's sense of humor and writing style are so entertaining, you'll want to read this one through in one sitting. It's a must read for anyone woman who doesn't live the perfect life.]]>
Remember my
girlfriend Connie, who sat at the intersection of Resentment and Forgiveness?
Well, during our lunchtime conversation several weeks back, in addition to the
story about forgiving her mom, Connie shared with me about the season in her
life when she sat paralyzed at the intersection of Insecurity and Confidence. I
am so happy I can share with you another profound lesson from this very wise
woman.
A mother of
four, Connie stayed home with their children while her husband built a
successful career. Socializing and networking were critical to his advancement,
but the circles in which her husband worked included people who were both
incredibly creative and highly educated. Connie felt like an outcast to these
interesting characters. Her perception was that because she stayed home with
the kiddos, she added little to no value to the conversations. Over time, her
confidence plummeted; her sense of self-worth cratered.
Having
dropped out of college to have children, Connie's insecurity ultimately led to
jealousy and her jealousy led to accusations. The accusations led to an ongoing
argument that poisoned the atmosphere of their home and the future of their marriage.
For nearly 20
years, Connie came to this same intersection, always turning onto Insecurity
rather than taking a proactive approach to address her issues. But it all changed when she elected to take a part-time
job at a community college. Working in the counselors' office exposed Connie to
coursework and degree plans, and this new information inspired Connie to return
to the classroom. Over a period of ten years, taking one course at a
time, Connie earned her Bachelor's degree...and
her voice. Her maturity and life experience made her the teacher's pet and,
along with her good grades, gave her a newfound confidence that she did have
something important to share with the rest of the world. And, her education
afforded her the opportunity to make an impact for humanity.
On a roll,
Connie went on to complete her Master's degree. Attending classes on Saturdays
and grinding through evening courses, Connie was an example of grit and
determination as she studied side-by-side with her teenage children. Connie's
self-assurance fueled her and re-ignited her marriage; she and her husband will
celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this June (oh, they are the
cutest couple you've ever seen!).
Are you
sick of driving around and around
Confidently
yours,
Ellen