Since we last visited,
Steve's dad, Al, passed away. Our family's grieving began months ago when the
cancer diagnosis was pronounced terminal, and ended as we said good-bye at his
bedside on Wednesday evening, July 29.
I say that our grief ended
then and there because Al's strength, intellect, and spirit live on in his
children. As Steve, Mark, and Candy sat with our minister and prepared for the
service, I listened as the three of them recounted the most important gift Al
had given them. Steve said, "Dad wouldn't do anything for you. But he'd do anything with
you." Although by profession Al was an engineer, to his children, he was their
teacher.
Each sibling told their
own stories of what Al had taught them to do: change a tire; fix a garbage disposal;
work through a math problem; or find their
own answer to their question. Each recounted a time when they needed help but he
consistently refused to "fix" things or come to their rescue. But because of this
philosophy, each sibling pointed to Al as their source of empowerment, confidence,
and self-reliance, as he gave them the tools to learn to deal with life's
problems (as well as tricky plumbing or electrical challenges).
My generation of parents
has been anything but empowering. We write checks; we Google; we network; we
direct; we call the shots. I'm afraid we've often taken the opposite approach
from Al in our parenting. One that says, "I'll do anything for you. But I haven't the inclination do anything with you." We've replaced the
investment of time and patience with getting to the end game: "just get it
done". And I wonder if, subliminally, we aren't saying to our children, "We
haven't the confidence you can grasp this and do it for yourself." Will our
children feel as strong and as equipped when we die, as my generation feels as
our parents pass on?
Over the last few years,
I've written a lot about our legacy - how we live it and how we leave it. So
taking a page from Al's book, I will add this to the list of things to leave to
the kids: the power tool of empowerment. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Even now - still learning
from Al,
Ellen
Posted by Ellen on August 19, 2009 12:12 PM
| Category: A Note from Ellen
My husband had the good fortune to grow up near a tinkerer. This engineer allowed Mike into his vast workshop to watch and learn, experiment and fail or succeed. Mike referred to him as having a million dollars worth for useful information which he crammed down your throat a nickel at a time. And he thanks this guy daily for the tidbits passed along so many decades ago.
I especially am indebted for encouraging a child who grew up to be handy at absolutely everything.
