I find
myself struggling today. I'm fighting to keep my hands off the string that
controls my kite of relationship. It's a bitter battle and in order to win, I
must remind myself constantly to live in a state of release. Trying to manage this situation - physically, mentally, and emotionally - is a losing battle when
trying to control a kite in the winds of addiction.
My kite
metaphorically represents my relationships with those I love, and for too long,
I have expertly tugged on the line, trying to control the will, the behavior,
and the desires of my son.
Over the
past two-and-a-half years of Scott's recovery, I've had some real hands-on
practice. A little over a year ago, I found myself exhausted one day, when
Scott briefly relapsed after a year of sobriety. I'll never forget that day. He
called me while I was at work. I listened (completely devastated) and I cried (selfishly
as much for myself as for him). Then, I hung up the phone and laid my head down
on my desk. And I finally, finally, after
27 years of holding my arms in the air, let go of the kite.
I made a
decision at that moment to set Scott free to make his choices - good ones and
bad. I set Scott free to become a man, rather than a son. And I set myself free
from the fantasy that I was in control.
Choosing to
live in a state of release is almost impossible for high-achievers; we know not
how to release our hold on a dream, even when it is evident that it's not our
dream to live. Choosing to live in a state of release is not an easy one for
mothers - whether our children are struggling with substance abuse or wrangling
with college admission. And choosing to live in a state of release is not easy
for wives, either - whether our marriages are rock-solid or teetering on the
edge. As women, we're genetically inclined to believe that we can manage it or fix
it - regardless of what "it" is. We drive ourselves crazy trying to make things
happen, but only find peace when we finally stop.
Because I
am an action-oriented person, I had come to believe that my actions could positively
affect Scott's outcome. It took me nearly thirty years to learn that I have
only, and then only sometimes, a small influence over others' decisions. Good thing
I came to this conclusion when I did, or else I would have a hard time writing
to you today. Scott relapsed, again, last month.
Relapses
are often part of the difficult journey for addicts and when they occur, all
the hard work and the trust that has been formed over the months and years
quickly evaporates. As it did with us. So again - he starts over with day one
of the sobriety count. And again - I remind myself to let go of my kite to live
in a state of release versus the state of control.
Yesterday,
Scott was robbed and beaten as he waited on a bus (in an area of town he
shouldn't have been in). I awoke in the middle of the night and wrestled with
my kite as fear took hold of my imagination. Tomorrow, he takes a bold step
into a new world as he takes his first college course. And, hope flickers. But
the future will be whatever it will be and I no longer entertain the thought
that I can affect it, one way or the other.
Girlfriend,
are your arms tired? Are you just worn out from living in a state of control?
Choose to operate in a state of release - it will free you both.
Letting go,
Ellen
Posted by Ellen on July 6, 2009 4:33 PM
| Category: A State of Mind
Thanks Ellen,
You ALWAYS send me the right message at the right time. I am speaking to a group of ladies next month, The theme is Luau.... "Lei your burdens down". I am going to tell them they are not in control. They need to let go and lay their their troubles/burdens down.
Thank you for sharing, I know it is not easy to let go.
Stephanie
Each newsletter that you send out touches my heart. I appreciate your transparency, your hope, and your wisdom. Thank you for sharing so much of your life's journey with those of us who look forward to your encouragement.
Thank you for sharing this... I appreciate your honesty and your hope to others.A good resource is Al-anon family groups. This is a group of people who love or live with people with addictions. It is a place to share experience, strength and hope and learn new ways to cope and live in the state of release you described. I could never just let go of my loved ones with addiction, I had to release them to a higher power who I knew had their best interest at heart and could give them all that they needed. I just needed to get out of the way.... thanks again for all of the ways you reach out with hope!
Working with clients who are Bipolar, Schizophrenic, and Major Depressive has taught me some things to apply to my personal life. I love with an open hand (the release you talk about) and yet know that what I say or do or don't say or do may make a difference. It is a fine line to walk, but as I seek guidance from God I am more able to keep my mouth shut when needed and to speak or act in love what needs to be said or done in those moments when it may make a difference. I am also able to let go of the results. My clients are prone to alcohol and drugs so daily their choices are open to them . . . as it is with all of us whether it be to have integrity or to just skim by or cut corners . . . to be faithful or to cheat (on taxes or spouse; breaking rules). . . to be the best we can be or to be mediocre . . . it is hard when temptations are there and we are tired of struggling to be perfect . . . recognizing this releases us to love and lift up others in difficult times. Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your newsletters.
My husband and I have fought this same battle for over 28 years. "Love willfix it syndrome and Mom's can fix it! He will be 44 this year and supposedly sober? We have finally let go and let God. At least I know I have. Bi-polar and drugs never work. I will pray for you and your son.
