As I close
this series on the things I want Ava to see, my heart is full because of the
beautiful examples others have lived out for me. The intangibles that
contribute to living intentionally are not mystic philosophies; most have been
modeled for me with brilliance. I have even seen a successful divorce.
My husband,
Steve, was raised by two of the most exceptional human beings I have ever met.
I am among the most blessed to have in-laws who are not only highly honorable individuals,
but who truly consider me as their own daughter. You'll never hear an ugly
in-law joke from me; I couldn't be more loved or accepted.
But
unfortunately, two excellent people do not always make for an excellent union.
And so it was for Harriett and Al; they divorced when Steve was 13 years old.
The
separation could have ended the family unit - and for a while, it did. But
Harriett and Al realized something few parents get: even though they separated
from each other, they understood that neither should punish Steve by separating
from him. For nearly 19 years, I have seen what a successful divorce looks like
because Harriett and Al live it out for me around our dining room table.
At every
holiday I set places for Al, Harriett, and Harriett's husband Dean. Harriett
and Al, always kind, thoughtful, and respectful, carry on conversations and
"ribbing" like old friends. Steve's step-father, Dean, is equally gracious in this
allowance and in his exchange as the three of them stroll down Memory Lane. No
tension. No judgment. No passive-aggressive behavior. Just joy for the here and
now and a respectful remembrance of yesterday. Time does heal - if we will just
allow it.
We can't fall off the
face of the earth or destroy or get away from all we had yesterday.
We need to include and
integrate the things that belong to yesterday.
- Virginia Satir, The New People
Making
Harriett
and Al, with remarkable class and style, have taught me that parts of yesterday
really do belong to today. And that divorcing from everything in the past
cheats the child. They've shown me that maturity and selflessness must trump
past hurts and disappointments if we're to model a successful divorce for our
children and grandchildren.
And this is
what I want Ava to see as her
grandparents (all six of us) gather at her dining room table: Maturity. Selflessness.
Respect. And joy for the here and now.
Certain combinations bring out the best or worst in each of us. Realizing a toxic pairing can be repaired by distance requires certain grace and maturity. Discovering another workable combo is a blessing. Allowing the original combo to evolve to another level is fabulous.
