Many of you
write and ask me where my inspiration for Truth Nuggets comes from. Most of the
time, I'm either running or biking and a thought comes to me. But often,
someone will say something or ask me a question that makes me catch my breath.
The title of this series, What Does It
Look Like? came from a brief encounter with a total stranger.
A woman in
her early 40's took the seat next to mine for a flight from Dallas
to Orange County, California. She was on her mobile phone as
she walked up the aisle and stayed on it until we took off. Once in the air, I was
digging into my work, when without introduction she pointed to my left hand and
said, "I like your ring. I used to have one of those." I glanced at her naked
left hand and knew that, for whatever reason, she needed to talk. To me.
I asked her
about her lost love and she shared the sad tale. As she concluded, she asked
about my marriage - "how is it going?" When I told her I was married to my best
friend and that I was still on my honeymoon after 18 years, she said,
"I don't know what
that looks like."
My seatmate
went on to share with me that her parents were married, miserably, for over 40
years. Distant bitterness, manipulation, and verbal abuse seemed to be the
primary themes of her parents' marriage. She had never seen a healthy
relationship.
I caught my
breath. With 39 minutes left in flight, I was unsure if I could paint a picture
of a healthy marriage for her, but having learned that she was a successful
executive in the business world, I tried to give her a picture of something I
thought she could relate to:
A good
marriage moves to a great marriage when each person agrees to an equal partnership. There is no Alpha Dog in a marriage
partnership that works, and there are no victims. Virginia Satir, in her book The New People Making, said it
best; ". . . anyone who gives up their power and survival dooms a marriage." Both
parties must agree that their opinions are equal in value - and neither should
ever forfeit their right to be heard.
As in a
strong business partnership, each person brings their own gifts and talents to
complement and augment the other. My personal theory is that successful
relationships, in work or marriage, occur when a "how" person teams up with a
"what" person. In our marriage and in our business, I'm the "what" person; I
come up with the ideas. Steve is operationally excellent to me - a "how" person,
he figures out a) if the "what" can be done and then, importantly, b) how to do
it. Two "whats" or two "hows" often struggle in business or love.
A business
will not thrive if one person is left to carry the workload - physically,
mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes one of the business partners will be "off
his or her game," so the other partner picks up the slack until the distracted
partner gets their second wind. It's never a 50/50 work load, in business or in
marriage. Sometimes you carry the load; sometimes you are the load.
An
enthusiastic business partner with a vision for the future makes it stronger.
So it is in marriage. Each person should appreciate the other's vision and dreams,
knowing that a highly engaged partner makes the business (or marriage, in this
case) stronger. Without growth and enthusiasm for individual goals,
partnerships atrophy.
Lastly, in
the healthiest business environments, each person dignifies the other with their
tone of speech and attitude of respect. Barking orders, ridiculing, and the
silent treatment are not usually condoned in the workplace (at least not mine).
A marriage partnership might survive, but will never flourish under these
circumstances.
When I
finished, my new girlfriend looked at me skeptically. I'm not sure if she got
the picture or not. But Ava will. Because at 26,000 feet, a total stranger
pointed out to me that it is important for us, as children, to see our philosophies
and value system in action, to believe them.
I loved your article about marriages. Sadly, your seatmate and I have many things in common -- I didn't see what a good marriage was growing up and I have 1 divorce and 1 'almost' (let me explain) divorce under my belt. I felt like a total failure.
In 2005 my soon to be ex-husband and I took care of ourselves for the first time in our lives AND marriage. We first went through an individual training (separately) called Pathways Core Training and then went to a marriage seminar called Relationship Rich Seminars and it was all life-changing. They were our 'magic pill' (that really wasn't all magic..there was lots of work and prayers in there as well).
I now know what it like to be married to your best friend; I know what it is like to GIVE and TAKE with...trust, security, respect and forgiveness. To be with someone that you can share your joys, hurts and dreams with. I know what it is like to disagree without destruction. I know what it is like to have a Godly husband lead his home. I know what it is like as a whole and healthy wife to be marriaged to a whole and healthy husband. And, although late in the game, I know what it is like to SHOW my children and grandchildren what it is like to love and to be loved.
These lessons have allowed our family to take on this new picture of what a marriage can be as a 'ministry'. We have the privilege of talking to dozens of couples/families every single month that are referred to us, who were clueless about what a great marriage looks like and refer them to resources that can seriously help them. aaahhh...isn't God good!
Great article girl! You captured the ever elusive perfect marriage relationship beautifully...something I suspect we'll all be in pursuit of our remaining days. Keep up the good work girl!
