I look forward to
being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue
and what you are is the point. - Susan Sarandon
For over 25
years, my grandmother and eight other silver-haired women gathered at one
another's homes every other Saturday night for an evening of Forty-Two. For
those who are unfamiliar, Forty-Two is a domino game played much like a card
game that includes winning bids and tricks. Only an occasional ice storm, every
three to five years, would deter the gathering of the Forty-Two Club. Or death.
From my
youth through my teenage years, I was called upon every ninth week to help
Mammaw in the serving of finger sandwiches, Fritos and onion dip, Creek Water ice
tea, and her homemade lemon ice box pie. This role provided me the opportunity to
hone my hostess skills, but more importantly, it allowed me to observe what it
takes to build lasting friendships.
Mammaw and
the gals demonstrated that in order for the game of friendship to work, you had
to be willing to play both sides of the table or the friendship would become
superficial and lack the depth required to persevere. Mammaw and her
girlfriends showed me that to have a network that works, you must be willing to
invest a generous portion of give and take.
Every two
months, until I left home, I heard the side-splitting laughter as one of the
gals told a joke. Even if it wasn't funny or if they heard it two weeks before,
they roared with laughter. I saw the twinkle in their eyes as they ribbed a
partner when someone made a bad play, but I don't remember ever hearing anything
that resembled sarcasm or ridicule.
I remember
hearing them celebrate for one another, and their families, at a simple life
win. Not a self-centered one in the bunch, these nine women expressed great
interest in the lives of others.
And you
know, for nine women to meet together 26 times a year for 25 years, all of them
going through menopause, there must have been a whole lot of forgiving and
forgetting.
I watched
them age - the salt and pepper turning all salt; the buttermilk skin slowly becoming
etched with beautiful laugh lines. But it didn't matter to the Forty-Two Club. What
they looked like was never the issue, because who they were was the point.
Over the
years, canes and walkers became their companions to the event. As I grew older,
I saw them comfort one another as they attended funerals together; first
husbands, then - one by one - the members of the Forty-Two Club themselves. They
are all gone now, but their legacy lives on.
My
girlfriends and I don't play Forty-Two (although if one if them has her way,
we're going to have game night!) and
if we're gray - you'll never know it. As long as Avalon Salon is open, most of
us will die blonde. But we will be women of purpose and character; we will be
women who laugh, celebrate, banter, and mourn with one another. And like the
Forty-Two Club, we will forgive and move on. And we will age. Together.
And that's
what I want Ava to see: a network of girlfriends - that works.
Many of you
write and ask me where my inspiration for Truth Nuggets comes from. Most of the
time, I'm either running or biking and a thought comes to me. But often,
someone will say something or ask me a question that makes me catch my breath.
The title of this series, What Does It
Look Like? came from a brief encounter with a total stranger.
A woman in
her early 40's took the seat next to mine for a flight from Dallas
to Orange County, California. She was on her mobile phone as
she walked up the aisle and stayed on it until we took off. Once in the air, I was
digging into my work, when without introduction she pointed to my left hand and
said, "I like your ring. I used to have one of those." I glanced at her naked
left hand and knew that, for whatever reason, she needed to talk. To me.
I asked her
about her lost love and she shared the sad tale. As she concluded, she asked
about my marriage - "how is it going?" When I told her I was married to my best
friend and that I was still on my honeymoon after 18 years, she said,
"I don't know what
that looks like."
My seatmate
went on to share with me that her parents were married, miserably, for over 40
years. Distant bitterness, manipulation, and verbal abuse seemed to be the
primary themes of her parents' marriage. She had never seen a healthy
relationship.
I caught my
breath. With 39 minutes left in flight, I was unsure if I could paint a picture
of a healthy marriage for her, but having learned that she was a successful
executive in the business world, I tried to give her a picture of something I
thought she could relate to:
A good
marriage moves to a great marriage when each person agrees to an equal partnership. There is no Alpha Dog in a marriage
partnership that works, and there are no victims. Virginia Satir, in her book The New People Making, said it
best; ". . . anyone who gives up their power and survival dooms a marriage." Both
parties must agree that their opinions are equal in value - and neither should
ever forfeit their right to be heard.
As in a
strong business partnership, each person brings their own gifts and talents to
complement and augment the other. My personal theory is that successful
relationships, in work or marriage, occur when a "how" person teams up with a
"what" person. In our marriage and in our business, I'm the "what" person; I
come up with the ideas. Steve is operationally excellent to me - a "how" person,
he figures out a) if the "what" can be done and then, importantly, b) how to do
it. Two "whats" or two "hows" often struggle in business or love.
A business
will not thrive if one person is left to carry the workload - physically,
mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes one of the business partners will be "off
his or her game," so the other partner picks up the slack until the distracted
partner gets their second wind. It's never a 50/50 work load, in business or in
marriage. Sometimes you carry the load; sometimes you are the load.
An
enthusiastic business partner with a vision for the future makes it stronger.
So it is in marriage. Each person should appreciate the other's vision and dreams,
knowing that a highly engaged partner makes the business (or marriage, in this
case) stronger. Without growth and enthusiasm for individual goals,
partnerships atrophy.
Lastly, in
the healthiest business environments, each person dignifies the other with their
tone of speech and attitude of respect. Barking orders, ridiculing, and the
silent treatment are not usually condoned in the workplace (at least not mine).
A marriage partnership might survive, but will never flourish under these
circumstances.
When I
finished, my new girlfriend looked at me skeptically. I'm not sure if she got
the picture or not. But Ava will. Because at 26,000 feet, a total stranger
pointed out to me that it is important for us, as children, to see our philosophies
and value system in action, to believe them.
