Dear Girlfriends,
 

I knew I belonged to the public and to the world not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else. - Marilyn Monroe

Belonging. Some of us read that word and feel connected and safe. We know we are a member of a tribe - either family or community (for some folks, their friends are their family), and our participation in traditions comes naturally. But for others of us, the word "belonging" conjures up nothing but aloneness and vulnerability, resulting in a state of desire to break the cycle in order to establish family traditions for our future generations.

I'll be the first to admit that when it came to developing family traditions, I wasn't the most creative cat in the barn. What few traditions we established when the kids were young mostly centered around food: tamales and chili on Christmas Eve (after church), Saturday morning McMillers (our much-improved family version of the Egg McMuffin), sausage balls on Thanksgiving morning (Shauna has picked up this torch, and carries it nicely), and herb-crusted beef tenderloin on Christmas Day (you can count on it). But as I think about our family traditions and about creating a haven for Ava where she knows she belongs - I know in my heart that food alone will not sustain her.

My Jewish friends have modeled this for me, through the celebration of the Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah; their experience has enlightened me to the fact that many of us fail to use traditions as an important teaching tool in communicating our family's social values, a sense of family identity, a historical understanding of our family heritage, and our spiritual significance.

My friends Gary and Linda invited Steve and me to attend their son Alex's Bar Mitzvah a few years ago. We were in total awe at the poise and grace this gangly 13-year-old demonstrated as he led his congregation through the service, speaking and singing in Hebrew. I didn't understand a word of what he said, but I sure understood the significance at the end: Alex knew he belonged to something much greater than just Alex. Oh, to teach that critical lesson to all our children!

I visited with a friend of mine a few weeks ago on the topic of his sons' Bar Mitzvahs to better understand the meaning, commitment, investment, and preparation required behind this religious, cultural, and family tradition. Stephen said, "At the core, we want our children to understand what it means to be Jewish and to recognize their responsibilities to the faith, their rich history, and the culture." As he shared the story of his younger son's struggle during his study, his eyes welled with tears of pride when he said, "But his presentation and d'rash were perfect. It made me almost want to have another kid". Now, that's a powerful experience when your 13-year-old son makes you so proud, you want to start over!

Which led me to ask myself, what family traditions do we have that challenge our children to think, to learn, to lead, and to reflect? What are the experiences we share with them to explore our family heritage and the connection to our belief system? As a society, we must do better.

We're not Jewish, but I want Ava to have that same sense of confidence and security in her faith, her family, and her culture. In addition to sharing vacations as an extended family and eating an occasional McMiller, I have invested the time and mental energy to create other family traditions that I hope will help her better understand who we are, where we came from, what we believe in, and why. All with the hope that one day she will know that she is connected to something much greater than just herself.

So what do I want Ava to see? That without a doubt, she belongs to our tribe.
 

Planning some cool traditions,
Ellen a.k.a. Sugar

Posted by Ellen on August 6, 2008 3:56 PM  |  Category: What Does It Look Like?