Timeless Honor
Dear
Girlfriend,
Lying by
omission. Skirting the rules. Shirking our responsibilities. Failing to admit
fault. These are only a very few of the more benign characteristics of a
disgraceful life we have seen modeled for us. The list is long and gets ugly,
and it has become mostly acceptable in today's society. So acceptable that
unfortunately many of us have modeled these negative traits to our own children
and grandchildren. Disgrace - yes, we've seen it. But honor? Do we know what it looks like?
At a
conference last summer, I heard General Colin Powell speak about his concern
for our country and our role on the world stage. As he discussed this topic and
other societal issues, he said that bringing dishonor to his family was not an
option. He and his cousins were raised with the concept that disgrace is not a
personal thing - it's a family matter. This got me thinking: how do you instill
the concept of honor in a child?
Over the
years you've read about the struggles we've experienced with our son, Scott. I
can be honest after 27 years of denial. Disgrace pretty much sums up his situation
- a pathological liar, a methamphetamine addict, a manipulator. Today, he's
working hard to overcome his challenges but as for the concept of honor, I don't
think he has a clue. On the flip side. . .
Our
daughter Shauna was born a truth-teller. I would just crack up at the things
she would volunteer; at the innocent age of three, she would "fess up" just to
get those sins off her chest! She was
born a person of integrity; but I didn't teach her that, any more than I taught
Scott to lie. I can no more take credit for the honorable life and high moral
standards our daughter lives by than I can shoulder the blame for our son's
failure to live by a code of ethics. So did I miss something in my own personal
modeling and explanations of expectation
when it comes to honor? I think maybe I did.
You see, I
know exactly what honor looks like. Honor sat at the dining room table with me
celebrating his 80th birthday last month. There, in flesh and blood,
was a man of profound integrity. My second cousin Jerry, and his wife of 56
years, have lived a life of such dignity that I was literally bursting with
pride at the mere thought of being related to them. And let me tell you, their living example of a life without
compromise has worked - you should meet their two sons, their spouses, and their
grandchildren; absolutely amazing people, and
children, of character. But this isn't an anomaly; the two preceding
generations of the Wilson
family lived equally honorable lives. I think that we should turn the whole
clan into a lab test so we can study them in order to repeat this success of generations of exceptional human beings.
Do you know a family like this? If so, you know what I'm talking about. This is
not the rule in our society today, but the rare exception.
So . . . back
to the rest of us. How do we, who were not modeled an honorable life or have
made grievous mistakes, right the wrongs for our next generation? I would like
to propose an equal balance of family pride and shame. Let's start with the
unpopular topic of shame.
Shame is a
feeling that some generations of our society will have no concept of. A word so
ugly we have purged it from our vocabulary. A tool in building a life of
character that has been buried for the sake of building Susie's self-esteem.
Sure, you can shame someone to the point of damaging her self-confidence or psyche.
But have we gone overboard? Have we failed to define and explain honor because
the opposite - the teaching tool of shame - is out of vogue?
In lieu of
shame, my parents indulged me with a glossy version of high-level scolding so
as to not damage my self-esteem. And as my parents modeled for me, I, along
with millions of other mothers of my generation, continued this same example of
forfeiting the discussion of shame - both personal and family - for the
building of our children's confidence.
On the flip
slide of shame is a sense of family pride. And this is what I believe my
cousins Jerry and Betty have probably modeled and taught - that we have an
obligation to our family and out of that obligation comes a desire to be a person of distinction; a
person who lives above the fray.
So as I
think about my granddaughter Ava and what I want her to see - I want her to see
what honor looks like. I can't right my past wrongs, but I can sure be mindful
of my examples and teachings today. I will assist her parents as they balance
the teaching of shame with stories of generations of honorable ancestors. We
will model for her that a life of honor is developed one important decision
at a time. And following Jerry and Betty's example, Steve and I hope
that Ava will feel the same sense of family pride as she, one day, looks across
the dining room table at us.
Hoping to
re-start an old-fashioned trend,
Ellen,
a.k.a. Sugar
Posted by Ellen on May 29, 2008 10:07 AM
| Category: What Does It Look Like?
|
