Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past several weeks I have shared with you stories, as told to me, by my girlfriends who sat at important intersections in their life. Later in the summer, we will come back to this series so you can benefit, as I have, from the experiences and truths these gals have gleaned.

But to close out this phase of the series, I would like you to pause at the intersection you're sitting at right now. Regardless of our life stage, our socio-economic condition, our political leanings, or our spiritual understanding, we all sit at the intersection of Gratitude and Discontent - every morning and at the end of every day and several times in between. 

It is so easy for us to turn onto Discontent when people hurt us, when business is hard, when our expectations are not met, and when the brightness of tomorrow seems to never materialize. It's easy to whine, complain, and demand more out of everything from our relationships to our hotel stay (a source of my discontent last week - don't get me started). But to turn onto Discontent is a choice. And it's a choice that does us absolutely no good; a choice that is not just a "zero" in its effect on our state of contentment, but a negative. Turning onto Discontent only robs us of embracing those marvelous things we do have, and usually in abundance.

So, regardless of where you are today or what you're doing, I hope you will stop right now and start a blessings checklist. For every frustration and disappointment, I hope you will consider its counter - the blessing you have either already received or will receive in the future. And for every gift that doesn't cost you a thing - those people in your life whom you love and who love you, nature in her all her splendor, and your next heartbeat - I hope you will consider those things too, as you drive down Gratitude Way.

I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery
depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances. - Martha Washington

Grateful that I had a bed to sleep in,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 14, 2008 8:45 AM  |  Category: Crossroads

Dear Girlfriends,

What are the secrets to living an honorable life? The advice is endless. You can read about them in books or in magazines. You can watch the discussions on Oprah. You can go to a psychologist, hire a coach, or learn about them online. You can even chime in on the topic on blogs, like mine. But have you ever seen what the attributes of an honorable life look like?

On December 7, 2007, I fell in love for the first time in 18 years, and I fell hard. Tears flooded my eyes and my mind raced as I looked upon the precious face of my first grandchild, Ava, and considered all she would behold in her lifetime and the important lessons she would learn. My role as her grandmother (I'm coaching her to call me Sugar) seemed a daunting one as I considered all my grandmother had been to me: my teacher; my playmate; my confidant; my spiritual advisor; my role model. How would I compare to the greatest Mammaw of all time? (But don't call me Mammaw - I'm way too hip.)

For the next several weeks after Ava's birth, I kept a list of the things that I hoped she would see in her lifetime. Although the list is long, it doesn't include Disney World, Miley Cyrus, or the shoe department at Niemen's. No. My list includes intangibles; intangibles that due to a change in our social fabric, our busy family lifestyles, or our lack of mindfulness or creativity, we fail to model for our children and grandchildren. And, unfortunately, due to the fact that many of us were raised in not-so-perfect households, these are some of the same intangibles that were not modeled for us. 

So what are some of the things on my list that I want Ava to see?

Timeless Honor
Selfless Devotion
Genuine Respect
Work/life Balance
Considerate Inclusion
Meaningful Traditions
Mindful Appreciation
Working Friendships
Marriage Partnerships
Successful Divorce

Successful divorce? Yep. There's a lesson here for all of us.

Because children are always watching (and because teenagers never listen), we know for a fact that our actions speak louder than words. So let's begin the important discussion as to how we, as sisters, aunts, godmothers, mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers, can model an honorable life for our next generation.

Standing in some very big Mammaw shoes,
Ellen, a.k.a. Sugar

Posted by Ellen on May 21, 2008 11:32 AM  |  Category: What Does It Look Like?

Dear Girlfriend,

Lying by omission. Skirting the rules. Shirking our responsibilities. Failing to admit fault. These are only a very few of the more benign characteristics of a disgraceful life we have seen modeled for us. The list is long and gets ugly, and it has become mostly acceptable in today's society. So acceptable that unfortunately many of us have modeled these negative traits to our own children and grandchildren. Disgrace - yes, we've seen it. But honor? Do we know what it looks like?

At a conference last summer, I heard General Colin Powell speak about his concern for our country and our role on the world stage. As he discussed this topic and other societal issues, he said that bringing dishonor to his family was not an option. He and his cousins were raised with the concept that disgrace is not a personal thing - it's a family matter. This got me thinking: how do you instill the concept of honor in a child?

Over the years you've read about the struggles we've experienced with our son, Scott. I can be honest after 27 years of denial. Disgrace pretty much sums up his situation - a pathological liar, a methamphetamine addict, a manipulator. Today, he's working hard to overcome his challenges but as for the concept of honor, I don't think he has a clue. On the flip side. . .

Our daughter Shauna was born a truth-teller. I would just crack up at the things she would volunteer; at the innocent age of three, she would "fess up" just to get those sins off her chest! She was born a person of integrity; but I didn't teach her that, any more than I taught Scott to lie. I can no more take credit for the honorable life and high moral standards our daughter lives by than I can shoulder the blame for our son's failure to live by a code of ethics. So did I miss something in my own personal modeling and explanations of expectation when it comes to honor? I think maybe I did.

You see, I know exactly what honor looks like. Honor sat at the dining room table with me celebrating his 80^th birthday last month. There, in flesh and blood, was a man of profound integrity. My second cousin Jerry, and his wife of 56 years, have lived a life of such dignity that I was literally bursting with pride at the mere thought of being related to them. And let me tell you, their living example of a life without compromise has worked - you should meet their two sons, their spouses, and their grandchildren; absolutely amazing people, and children, of character. But this isn't an anomaly; the two preceding generations of the Wilson family lived equally honorable lives. I think that we should turn the whole clan into a lab test so we can study them in order to repeat this success of generations of exceptional human beings. Do you know a family like this? If so, you know what I'm talking about. This is not the rule in our society today, but the rare exception.

So . . . back to the rest of us. How do we, who were not modeled an honorable life or have made grievous mistakes, right the wrongs for our next generation? I would like to propose an equal balance of family pride and shame. Let's start with the unpopular topic of shame.

Shame is a feeling that some generations of our society will have no concept of. A word so ugly we have purged it from our vocabulary. A tool in building a life of character that has been buried for the sake of building Susie's self-esteem. Sure, you can shame someone to the point of damaging her self-confidence or psyche. But have we gone overboard? Have we failed to define and explain honor because the opposite - the teaching tool of shame - is out of vogue?

In lieu of shame, my parents indulged me with a glossy version of high-level scolding so as to not damage my self-esteem. And as my parents modeled for me, I, along with millions of other mothers of my generation, continued this same example of forfeiting the discussion of shame - both personal and family - for the building of our children's confidence.

On the flip slide of shame is a sense of family pride. And this is what I believe my cousins Jerry and Betty have probably modeled and taught - that we have an obligation to our family and out of that obligation comes a desire to be a person of distinction; a person who lives above the fray.

So as I think about my granddaughter Ava and what I want her to see - I want her to see what honor looks like. I can't right my past wrongs, but I can sure be mindful of my examples and teachings today. I will assist her parents as they balance the teaching of shame with stories of generations of honorable ancestors. We will model for her that a life of honor is developed one important decision at a time. And following Jerry and Betty's example, Steve and I hope that Ava will feel the same sense of family pride as she, one day, looks across the dining room table at us.
 

Hoping to re-start an old-fashioned trend,
Ellen, a.k.a. Sugar

Posted by Ellen on May 29, 2008 10:07 AM  |  Category: What Does It Look Like?