An Exhausted Heart
Dear
Girlfriends,
Some of you
will be able to relate when I say, "He
wears me out."
It's hard
for us to admit this but sometimes we allow ourselves to come to the end of our
rope with family. Parents, spouses, siblings, or kids drain the life out of us
resulting in relational burnout and an exhausted heart. So what's the driving
force behind our burnout with the people we often love the most? Control.
Trying so
hard to control the "state of their union", my girlfriend burned out. The
marriage dissolved before her eyes. Regardless of how many times she told him
what she wanted from him and how she wanted it - he couldn't seem to deliver. She
knew she was on her last breath when she began "googling" for divorce
attorneys.
Trying so
hard to control my son's addiction and recklessness, I flamed out, too. The
promise of sobriety morphed into a tangled web of lies, leaving me with, again, a totally exhausted heart. I knew
I was on my last breath when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than
he was.
Trying so
hard to ensure her daughter made the honor roll and the cheerleading squad, another
mom suffers from an exhausted heart when her daughter rebels. "I don't know
what happened. She's nothing like she was as a child. I gave her everything and
did everything I could for her." She
knew she was on her last breath when her 18-year-old daughter yelled, "I'm not
coming back" as she slammed the front door.
We come by
this naturally. Men, throughout their formidable years as little boys set up
battle fields and rescue scenarios strategizing how to best control situations,
while little girls become the control mavens we are through our fastidious
placement of a perfectly formed family in the perfectly decorated rooms of our
perfectly proportioned doll house. Good grief-no wonder we're twisted.
As much as
we'd like to look to others as the source of our burnout, the problem is not
with the people we love. Even the
irregular people in our lives are not to blame for our state of
frustration. The driving force behind our relational burnout is our need to
"fix" the person. Trying to control the desires, wills, habits, motivations,
and futures of those we care for is what really
wears us out.
If you're
suffering from burnout with someone you love, you might try something I tried
this past month (which so far seems to be working much better than my old ways of intervention and prodding):
Let go; give
them space.
Allow the other
person to make their own way, even if it's not your way.
Give
opinions or counsel, but only when asked.
Allow
others to stumble; you have not been called to walk upright for others.
Refrain
from swooping in to rescue; you can't fix them or their problems.
Let the
movie roll; you're only a supporting actor-leave the directing to God.
Be patient.
And pray.
There is only one way to happiness
and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your
will. - Epictetus
By trying
to mold the ones you love into what you want
them to be, you're only kidding yourself-and setting yourself up for an
exhausted heart.
Your
control freak,
Ellen
Posted by Ellen on February 11, 2008 1:38 PM
| Category: One Breath Away From Burnout
|
