Dear Girlfriends,

Don't be a flip-flopper. Make up your mind. Stick with your story.

We're told that to be people of influence we must dig in our position and stay the course.

Hogwash.

I think to live intentionally we must be confused. Because confusion, coupled with a compass, ultimately results in personal clarity.

At the tender age of 16, I took my marriage vows and I took them seriously. Two years later, I was confused. "Are we really 'one'? What principles and philosophies do we share that will bind us for the rest of our lives?" And most importantly, I finally asked myself the "why" question that would bring the issue into focus - "Why are we married?" Frightened, disappointed, and failing miserably in the relationship, confusion became a constant companion for nearly eight more years before I found clarity. Confusion in marriage can result in separation, but confusion in marriage, when coupled with the compass of counseling and communication, can also lead to renewed commitment. Too bad more of us are not confused - the marriages that do stay together might soar with the clarity that results from learning that it is more than those two kids that bind you together.

In my mid-twenties a good friend of mine challenged me on my spiritual beliefs. "Where did you get these facts? How do you know this is true? Why do you believe this?" The girl with all the answers (me) was left speechless. I couldn't tell my friend the why behind my faith. I only knew that I believed what I believed because I had always been told to believe it. As her challenge morphed into my confusion, I sought answers. I began to question everything, and journeyed toward not just a confirmation of my belief system but an even deeper renewal. I realized, as I dared to question the tenets of my faith, that my confusion ultimately allowed me to live my beliefs more intentionally. Too bad more of us are not confused - a good compass, in the form of theological research, might make us a better representative of the doctrine we espouse.

When I was in my mid-thirties I was faced with the reality that our son was gay. No surprise - I had known this since he was about three or four years old, but still, over the years as I moved toward the day when I would honestly discuss the situation with him, I was confused. Nature or nurture? Condemned or forgiven? Conditional acceptance or unconditional love? I think it's much easier for a mother to move through the confusion surrounding homosexuality than it is the average person. Too bad we don't all have a child who is gay - the world might act differently if we all carried a compass where love pointed due north and where all men (and all sins, if you think this is a sin) are created equal. 

When I was in my mid-forties I became confused about my position on all things political. I would make a fabulous politician, because I flip-flopped back and forth on everything from the war in Iraq to our city's position on the homeless. But my confusion brought clarity. By reading, listening to commentary (both conservative and liberal), and discerning fact from press (as best one can), and being open to the fact that I might not be right - I have arrived (for now) in the place where I feel comfortable with what I have personally learned, not the popular opinion. Too bad we're not all confused on the political issues of our day - the country might be able to find a middle ground with a compass of bi-partisanship, and we'd all be more tolerant of flip-floppers and have more affordable health insurance!

 My point is this: In order to live intentionally, we must have the courage to be confused and must be willing to carry a compass in the form of research and learning. We must desire to dig for the "why" behind our personal truth; the maturity to look beyond our closed minds; the independence to think for ourselves. And the stamina to do it all again.  

 To change one's mind in changing circumstances is true wisdom. - Robert Louis Stevenson
 
Your flip-flopper,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 8, 2008 1:46 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Ellen,

Thanks for your honesty.

It's interesting how many times what you write about is one of the things God is teaching me - or has taught me.

So nice to meet a person of faith who isn't "perfect" but real. I can well relate to that kind of person.

Posted by Sharon | January 9, 2008 7:16 AM

I love your article, and, I particularly love the fact that your faith was deepened after you started questioning it. So many people don't know the answers to questions about their beliefs and, unlike you, choose to stop believing because it's easier than trying to find the answers. Thanks for setting such a great example for all of us.

And, your comment about your son makes me think that although the bible states that homosexuality is a sin, the bible also tells us, '...to judge not lest we be judged;' that 'the those among us without sin should cast the first stone;' and '...we will be judged by the same measure which we've judged others.'

Happy New Year, Ellen!

Posted by Dawn Mellon | January 10, 2008 10:10 AM

Dear Ellen,
You are an old soul. The insight that you so eloquently write about is something most don't find until later years.
My kids are going through some difficult times. Watching them is often hard to do. Your words of wisdom are just what the doctor ordered. I forwarded your web address to my daughters. It's so refreshing to realize that we all are the same in so many ways. Caught up with today's crazy world, we become like hamsters on a wheel ... faster and faster ... only to find ourselves where we first began.
It's a pleasure to have found you.

CIAO,
Maggie

Posted by Maggie Peters | January 22, 2008 9:43 AM