Dear Girlfriends,

Don't be a flip-flopper. Make up your mind. Stick with your story.

We're told that to be people of influence we must dig in our position and stay the course.

Hogwash.

I think to live intentionally we must be confused. Because confusion, coupled with a compass, ultimately results in personal clarity.

At the tender age of 16, I took my marriage vows and I took them seriously. Two years later, I was confused. "Are we really 'one'? What principles and philosophies do we share that will bind us for the rest of our lives?" And most importantly, I finally asked myself the "why" question that would bring the issue into focus - "Why are we married?" Frightened, disappointed, and failing miserably in the relationship, confusion became a constant companion for nearly eight more years before I found clarity. Confusion in marriage can result in separation, but confusion in marriage, when coupled with the compass of counseling and communication, can also lead to renewed commitment. Too bad more of us are not confused - the marriages that do stay together might soar with the clarity that results from learning that it is more than those two kids that bind you together.

In my mid-twenties a good friend of mine challenged me on my spiritual beliefs. "Where did you get these facts? How do you know this is true? Why do you believe this?" The girl with all the answers (me) was left speechless. I couldn't tell my friend the why behind my faith. I only knew that I believed what I believed because I had always been told to believe it. As her challenge morphed into my confusion, I sought answers. I began to question everything, and journeyed toward not just a confirmation of my belief system but an even deeper renewal. I realized, as I dared to question the tenets of my faith, that my confusion ultimately allowed me to live my beliefs more intentionally. Too bad more of us are not confused - a good compass, in the form of theological research, might make us a better representative of the doctrine we espouse.

When I was in my mid-thirties I was faced with the reality that our son was gay. No surprise - I had known this since he was about three or four years old, but still, over the years as I moved toward the day when I would honestly discuss the situation with him, I was confused. Nature or nurture? Condemned or forgiven? Conditional acceptance or unconditional love? I think it's much easier for a mother to move through the confusion surrounding homosexuality than it is the average person. Too bad we don't all have a child who is gay - the world might act differently if we all carried a compass where love pointed due north and where all men (and all sins, if you think this is a sin) are created equal. 

When I was in my mid-forties I became confused about my position on all things political. I would make a fabulous politician, because I flip-flopped back and forth on everything from the war in Iraq to our city's position on the homeless. But my confusion brought clarity. By reading, listening to commentary (both conservative and liberal), and discerning fact from press (as best one can), and being open to the fact that I might not be right - I have arrived (for now) in the place where I feel comfortable with what I have personally learned, not the popular opinion. Too bad we're not all confused on the political issues of our day - the country might be able to find a middle ground with a compass of bi-partisanship, and we'd all be more tolerant of flip-floppers and have more affordable health insurance!

 My point is this: In order to live intentionally, we must have the courage to be confused and must be willing to carry a compass in the form of research and learning. We must desire to dig for the "why" behind our personal truth; the maturity to look beyond our closed minds; the independence to think for ourselves. And the stamina to do it all again.  

 To change one's mind in changing circumstances is true wisdom. - Robert Louis Stevenson
 
Your flip-flopper,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 8, 2008 1:46 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Do you serve others - either organizations or people - from your heart or your head?

If you're serving from your heart, you know it. Your investment of time and talent doesn't drain you - it acts like rocket fuel; you soar with a "done-good" feeling. For you gals who've figured this out, you can close this email. However, if you're one of my girlfriends who feels obligated, burned out, or frustrated by your selfless service, you might want to read on.

Self-sacrifice is not always a noble thing. Service rendered out of a sense of expectation or obligation rather than an expression of gratitude, talent, or love is rarely pleasing to either the soul of the recipient or the do-gooder and has a counter-effect on our spirit. I recognized this in myself as I drove reluctantly to meetings or events, dreading the next two hours of selflessness.

For this reason, I believe it is important that we ensure that every good deed, every favor, and every act of service be done from the heart - not the head. This means of course that from time to time, in order to live intentionally, you will disappoint someone.

I have experience here.

I have found that high-achievers not only expect a lot of themselves, but that others often have unreasonable expectations of them, too. Moral indignation flashes across the face (or worse, spews from the mouth) of the disappointed individual because I did not . . . . (fill in the blank) the way the wounded party thought I would, I should, or I could. How selfish of me! Well, yes. That's the point.

In our world where others are constantly clamoring for us to give more, do more, invest more, and allow more, there is little time for us, as individuals, to be more. To get ahead financially, we all know that we must pay ourselves first (in the form of savings). But few of us acknowledge that to achieve a well-balanced life, we must make the commitment to pay ourselves first in the form of time and to be extremely conscious of those we invest time with and for.

Several years ago, a "girlfriend" shared with me that in addition to her COO position for a major corporation, she served as a board-member for the city symphony, was the local chairwoman for fund raising for not one, but two, of the largest non-profits in the country, and due to her and her husband's position in the community, was required to attend social, civic, or political functions nearly every night of the week. She wrote: "I'm exhausted. I'm miserable. I'm worn out."

Her glamorous, selfless life of service had resulted in burnout - not just toward the organizations she served, but toward life itself. My girlfriend realized she was not living intentionally because she didn't want to disappoint.

I am a huge proponent of service - community, school, or church - and feel that as a collective society we could do a lot more than we do. But I don't think service should be left to just a few. And this is where high-achieving women often struggle to maintain balance. Because they can do it (and others haven't or won't), they feel obligated to jump in and get the job done. But service through obligation rarely fulfills and usually drains.

"To refuse a request for just cause is as praiseworthy as to grant a request that is worthy. It is for this reason that the 'no' of some people pleases more than the 'yes' of others. A refusal accompanied by sweet words and a civil manner gives more satisfaction to a true heart than a favor given with bad grace." - Marquise Magdeleine de Sablé

Are you extending a favor or service with bad grace because you feel obligated? Endeavor to serve those projects that are true to your heart's calling and say no to the rest. Yes, you will disappoint someone, but the service you do render will be a blessing - for both you and that special person on the receiving end. Now, that's living intentionally.
 

Feeling blessed (even as I tick someone off),
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 16, 2008 3:42 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past couple of months, we've examined what it means to live intentionally and have explored seven counter-intuitive truths:

1. Fake it. And be yourself for a change. Others will most likely enjoy the "real" you more than the faux you, anyway.
2. Scrap your priorities. You can have it all - just not every day. Reschedule your priorities.
3. Stay behind. Surround yourself with quality people. We're still only as good as the company we keep.
4. Break a hip. Stop being a sissy. Go out on a limb and try something new.
5. Whine. Rant, rave, and stomp your feet. Then drop it before you really get something to cry about.
6. Be confused. It's OK to be a flip-flopper. Dig for the "why" behind your personal truths and have the courage to change your mind.
7. Disappoint someone. We extend service with bad grace when we serve out of obligation. Choose those endeavors that are true to your heart's calling and say 'no' to the rest.

This week, we'll close out this series with the final directive:

8. Spend it all today. Because you might not get a tomorrow.

I can hear the shrieks of financial advisors from coast to coast (especially my own...hang with me, Carol)! This Truth Nugget is not about money. I want to explore the more important things that we hide, hoard, and ignore - our talent, our network, and the impact we have on others.

I am a marketing gal. I'm not a writer, nor a motivational speaker. These are not my talents. So how did I end up writing this weekly blog and speaking? I (finally) recognized that my talent is giving encouragement through my ability to share my life experiences. Coupled with my courage to examine tough topics, I began writing Truth Nuggets and speaking to inspire women to achieve balance and live intentionally. Never in a million years did I think these two somewhat nebulous talents would emerge in the form of a weekly newsletter to thousands. But they did. What is your talent? Are you sharing it?

"When I stand before God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent
left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"  - Erma Bombeck

Spend your talent today. You might not get a tomorrow.

Many of us waste our network, hoarding contacts or preserving them in case we need a favor. I say spend your network on your friends and colleagues. Tim Sanders, in his book "Love is the Killer App," encourages us to use our network generously for the benefit of others. Some people understand this concept intuitively - they are "connectors" by nature. But others of us must be reminded that our success is never of our own making, but in part due to the goodness, kindness, and generosity of others. What goes around, comes around. Extend your network to friends and colleagues looking for a job, a business lead, or a housekeeper. Who is in your network? Are you sharing it?

"Be a Lovecat: amass and share knowledge, amass and share your network
and be compassionate." - Tim Sanders

Spend your contacts on someone else today. You might not get a tomorrow.

"The true measure of man is how he treats someone who
can do him absolutely no good."  - Samuel Johnson

Spend your kindness. You might not get a tomorrow.

Emptying my pocketbook,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 23, 2008 3:25 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally