Dear Girlfriends,

If you have recently tried to reply to my emails (rather than participate on the ellenmiller.com blog site) and have received an error message you will be pleased to know that the problem has been corrected.

A personal reply or your post to the blog - either way, I look forward to hearing from you.
Ellen

P.S. A new series starts on Wednesday!

Posted by Ellen on October 1, 2007 3:06 PM  |  Category: A Note from Ellen

Dear Girlfriends,

Over the past several months, I've found truth in some counter-intuitive principles. Take this one for example: To get more done - stop working. Once I shortened my work day, I began to accomplish more. By limiting my available hours to work, I became both more focused and more efficient, and the result is a far more productive work day. And not only do I complete a greater volume of work - I find the quality of my labor investment has improved, as well. Stop working to get more done. Who woulda' thought?

I think the concept of living intentionally is a bit counter-intuitive, too. Although many of us grasp the big picture, sometimes we're a bit foggy on how to best go about living on purpose rather than just having life happen to us.

So, if you're up for it, we're going to dig in on an eight-week series called Living Intentionally. The counter-intuitive principles will include: 

1. Fake it.
2. Scrap your priorities.
3. Stay behind.
4. Break a hip.
5. Whine.
6. Be confused.
7. Disappoint someone.
8. Spend it all today.

Clear in my confusion,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 8, 2007 11:46 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

Here's a novel idea for some of us: fake it for a change. Be yourself.

I have a darling child in my life named Samantha who, I have no doubt, you will someday watch as she accepts her Academy Award for Best Actress. At four years old, this little gal can become a character faster than you can load a DVD. She changes from costume to costume, scene to scene, accent to accent, as she entertains you with her incredible wit and conviction (on cue). But Samantha knows who she is when she takes off her Cinderella dress. She doesn't stay in character so long that she forgets who she really is. Unfortunately, many of us have. We have faked it for so many years that we're out of touch with our own authenticity.

I have lived my life in two very different worlds, for both of which I am deeply grateful. It's because I have lived in these two worlds that I can state, as fact, that I know there are at least six groups of women who suffer from the ability to be genuine. They are (in no particular order):

1. Women who live in an upper socio-economic class (rich girls)
2. Women who live in depressed financial circumstances (poor girls)
3. Women who aggressively climb the corporate ladder (working girls)
4. Women who invest their heart and soul in the raising of their children (mommy girls)
5. Women who spend their Sunday morning in church (good girls)
6. Women who spend their Sunday morning in some Joe's (what's his last name?) bed (bad girls)

Did I leave anyone out? Nope. I think this is it.

Being a totally authentic person is absolutely frightening for some of us. It's scary because it means that we can't hide behind a fantasy to guard our heart. It might mean becoming transparent, which equates to putting away the status; the piety; the Botox; the executive title; the perfect kids; the money; the one-night-stands; the Gucci bag...  

We want to be accepted. We want to be admired. We fear ridicule - to our face or behind our back; thus we create a fictional character that we believe is more engaging and attractive than our true self. But, she's not. She's just the opposite. The fictional character most often created is plastic and shallow, and an authentic woman can smell a fake before their first hello.

If you've been in character too long, you may have forgotten how to fake it and be yourself. These are my three best tips:

Reveal: Tell others something about yourself that is deprecating but humorous. Others love to hear that you're not perfect, that you make stupid mistakes, but that you don't take yourself so seriously that you can't laugh at your own nuttiness.

Respond: Authentic people listen with their heart and respond with their eyes. Sometimes it's just simple eye contact that says a thousand words. The eyes are indeed the window to the soul.

Relax: Get comfortable. Last year, I led a women's Bible Study and as a matter of course, we took off our shoes. Pedicure or no, together we walked barefooted through the book of Daniel - and it was amazing to watch the walls come down when the heels were kicked off.

We are what we believe we are. - C.S. Lewis

So who do you believe you are? Is she a different woman than you allow others to know?

You can't live intentionally until you fake it; try being yourself for a change.

Kicking off my shoes,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 9, 2007 2:14 PM  |  Category: Living Intentionally

Dear Girlfriends,

The success and prosperity we enjoy in this great country has come at the expense of millions of men and women who, over the past two hundred and thirty-one years, refused to give up. We're a tribe of dogmatic individuals who strive 24x7 to have it all. We are not sissies. But as a society we haven't a clue how to live intentionally, because we don't know when to throw in the towel.

The phrase comes from the sport of boxing. When the fighter is just too exhausted to continue, and when his coach realizes he can't succeed, the coach throws a towel into the ring to indicate that the fight is over. I love the imagery here - the boxer, too close to his own struggle, doesn't make the call - but his coach, who sees the situation objectively, makes the decision for him. The priority to win is scrapped in order to fulfill the priority to live. I think to live intentionally we have to know when to throw in the towel - when to scrap some of our priorities - and rarely can we make this call on our own.

The most popular series I have written to date was the series titled Spread Too Thin. The response from women, coast to coast, in all stages of life was overwhelming. But the single most-oft repeated message was, "My husband has been telling me this for years." Why? As your coach, he can see when you've put yourself in a position where you can't possibly succeed at living; he knows you're only existing. Can you have it all? Of course you can! Just not every day. And not in every life stage.

If you're reading this message and you know in your heart that you're not living intentionally, then there's an excellent chance that your priorities are out of whack. Assess your situation to determine what self-imposed duties are robbing you of joy. Then, develop the vision and a plan to get to the place where you're experiencing life, not just moving from task to task. It's a destination worth planning for, and since you won't listen to your significant other - maybe you'll take a tip from your girlfriend (me).

To follow are just a few of the priorities I scrapped during my life-stage when I was raising children, building a career, and dealing with a two-hour daily commute:

• Exercise. I gained 15 pounds as I climbed the corporate ladder. I sacrificed a firm fanny for a firm foundation for my career.
• Dinner. To complement my healthy lifestyle of no exercise, we picked up fast food, two nights a week. Not an organic vegetable on the table, but we enjoyed our meals together at the kitchen table every night. Spinach was sacrificed for quality time with the fam.
• Laundry. I bought pink towels for Shauna and blue towels for Scott and taught them both to do their own laundry at the ages of 11 and 14. If they didn't wash it - they wore it dirty. Saturday became a fun day, not a work day - and no one turned me in to Child Protective Services.
• Bible study. I traded my daily Bible study for Christian CDs and books on tape during my long commute, to gain 30 precious minutes of sleep. I'm pretty sure Jesus still loved me.
• Continued self-development. My continued learning consisted of helping with science projects, slogging through eighth-grade Algebra and keeping up with the teen lingo. Self-development was sacrificed for self-preservation.

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

Stephen R. Covey

You're in the ring, sweat dripping from your brow. You feel the blow. Are you down for the count? It might be time to throw in the towel.

 
Scrapping my priorities for better ones,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on October 24, 2007 10:50 AM  |  Category: Living Intentionally