The Downhill Stretch
Dear Girlfriends,
When asked how long she and her husband, Bill, have been married, my girlfriend Kathy says, "We've been married for 34 years; 29 of those, happily." This just cracks me up.
Growing pains are a given in a young marriage - where each partner is learning to understand and appreciate the finer details of what it means to need a new "outfit" (how can they not know what it means to accessorize?) and what it means to need new speakers and a sub-woofer (I quickly learned that music - especially the bass - can never be loud enough). About the time you get the basics ironed out, careers take off and kids arrive on the scene and life becomes a never-ending relay between round-the-clock work, soccer games, orthodontist appointments, house renovations, moves from coast to coast, and the occasional family vacation. But then, almost without warning, the kids leave home or the job is over. And the silence is deafening.
It is at this time that many couples roll over in bed and look at their mate for the first time in 20 years and ask (if only to themselves), "Who in the heck are you and what could we possibly have in common?"
My first marriage ended after ten years, so I know the agony that goes with saying the "d" word. But when I hear of a 30-year marriage that's come to a slow, unbearable end - my heart just stops. Could this marriage that's seen the good, the bad, and the ugly have made it if one or both of them had caught their second wind?
If 50 is the new 30 and 60 is the new 40, we shouldn't be surprised that divorce amongst men and women ages 40-79 is skyrocketing - not just here in the U.S. but world-wide. It's been dubbed the "grey divorce" but I think it should be called the "dismayed divorce". Or at least I was dismayed when my father announced to me as I was planning my parents' Silver Wedding Anniversary that there wouldn't be one. (Totally self-centered, the first words out of my 17-year-old mouth were, "Can't you guys just wait until one of you dies?" Oh, how mature of me.) I didn't know then what I know now - that only 33% of all newlyweds will dance to the oldies at their 25th anniversary celebration.*
There are hundreds of theories, reasons, and conditions that lead to a breakup, just one of which is that the couple grew apart. But I have a theory that growing apart is not the issue; not growing is where I think relationships become unhinged.
When one mate fails to invest in their own development, education, hobbies, work, volunteerism - they can become a relationship defeatist by hyper-focusing on and over-analyzing every nit and nat. If either of you have nothing to focus on other than your 25-year-old children or your career of yester-year - there's a good chance that when the kids are gone or the job ends, you're going to feel lost. And he can't - nor can she - in a million dog-gone years, fill the void. It's up to you to find new interests.
When one of my girlfriends sent her last chickadee off to college, she lamented that she and her husband had become total strangers. The last 25 years had been all about the kids and their work - both which were coming to a close. She asked me one evening, "What do we do?"
I didn't know the answer to her question. But I do know this. When you choose to invest in your own development you will be fulfilled; when you are fulfilled you are more confident; when you're more confident you're happier; and when you're happier - you're a lot more fun and interesting to be around. And being a fun, interesting person can only improve your relationship, not hinder it. Now, if both of you will invest in your interests, those you pursue together and alone, imagine how the sparks might fly!
Girlfriends, you're on the downhill stretch. Catch your second wind. It might save that 24-year commitment. Look toward the future and think how glorious it will be to hear you both say, "We've been married 42 years and the last 20 totally rocked."
The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
- Charles Dubois
Sprinting towards number 18,
Ellen
*Statistics taken from Divorce Magazine.com
Posted by Ellen on July 17, 2007 12:30 PM
| Category: Catching My Second Wind
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