Dear Girlfriends,

Sit up straight. Put your feet on the floor. Use your fork. Say please and thank you. Wait your turn. Tell the truth. Chew with your mouth closed. Do your homework. Be kind. Save your money. Say your prayers. Eat your veggies. Don't interrupt. Don't point. Don't whine. Don't smoke. Don't judge. Don't do drugs. Don't say bad words.

Parenting - arrrgh, there's nothing like it. The endless rules; the endless joys; the endless laundry; the endless laughter; the endless nights spent in prayer.

But did I miss something on the list? I thought my perfect parenting would lead to perfect kids - or at least fully functioning adults. What did I do wrong? Do you think you missed something on the list, too?

There are millions of mothers out there who, like us, did everything "right" but whose success rate is 50/50 or less. Their children - regardless of the amount of direction given and love dispensed - did not turn out to be enthusiastic contributors to society. There are many of us who share the burden that despite our every effort to be perfect parents ... our children failed to thrive.

Nurture versus nature? Lots of people love to debate the topic. I don't debate it. I live it.

My first-born, Shauna, was about as easy a child to raise as there ever was. An honest little rule-follower, she was a spirited child, and funny - she would sit in the floor and play with her plastic farm animals for hours (yeah - sort of weird for a three-year-old girl, but she turned out OK). I believed with all my heart that the same love, attention, affection, and education I would provide our newly adopted four-month-old son would overcome his family history of substance abuse and mental frailty. I thought, "How can he fail?" Today, I wonder how he'll survive.

But I didn't get to this place of understanding until long after Scott had left home and chosen a life that to me was incomprehensible. My Pushmi-Pullyu of Perfect Parenting was driving me mad as I lay awake, night after night, wondering what I did wrong. Until a soft word came to me as I prayed into my pillow that my parenting was in every way complete; I had fulfilled with great enthusiasm and energy the calling of "mom"; I had embraced with my every fiber their physical, emotional, and mental development. I could no more take credit for Shauna's beautiful character than I could for Scott's poor judgment. What I came to understand and finally accept was that the outcome is not controlled by me, but falls to a force called free will that is even stronger than the mightiest mom.

If you hit a grand slam with your child rearing, count yourself lucky; we're cheering for you and your children as they round the bases. If you're like me and still have one in the dugout - count yourself blessed. You, my girlfriends, have been blessed with humility; you are mothers who are living examples of tremendous faith; you are mothers who never give up; you are mothers who know not to judge; you are mothers who know to pray for other mothers' kids without them even asking. Now, that's a gift.

Still swinging,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on June 12, 2007 2:24 PM  |  Category: The Pushmi-Pullyu of Perfection