Dear Girlfriends,

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Norman MacEwan

If there's one thing we all have in common - regardless of age, income, or profession - it is that we are all spread too thin when it comes to time and money. Especially when it comes to investing our volunteer time or our cash in organizations and charities.

Women are hard-wired to care deeply, and we are inspired to bring about change for our children and grandchildren. But our problem is that we often take our passions and spread them too thin - making little difference to any one cause. Or worse, we fail to invest in the programs we care about the most. I know, because my charitable giving is spread too thin.

A few weeks ago, as the guest of my financial adviser Carol Meyer, I attended an event called The Power of the Purse, sponsored by The Dallas Women's Foundation and under-written by Merrill Lynch. The topic: women in philanthropy.

This event was an eye-opener for me, as I realized my giving was often more what one presenter called an "honored obligation" rather than a "passionate investment" to create change.

There were several important questions and topics that were discussed throughout the event that I think are key to helping us first, prioritize our giving investments - both time and money - and then, to feel empowered to track the results of those gifts. Questions like:
• What bothers you?
• Are you giving to organizations that can bring about change to those issues that concern you the most?
• What do you want to see changed in your lifetime?
• Can the organization, given time and money, effect the change?
• What are your passions?
• Can you link your passion to what bothers you?
• What questions do you ask to determine if the charity will be a good steward of your gift?
• Once you've invested, how do you ensure they are managing their resources well?
• How do they measure the results of the services they deliver and how often are these results communicated to you?
• How do you properly shift your gifts when your concerns change or evolve over time?

The concept of "checkbook" philanthropy - writing lots of small checks without having a deep concern for the cause - was raised by more than one speaker, and gave me the opportunity to consider as much about why I give as how I give.

As we've explored over the past several weeks, we can't be all things to all people and when we try, we fail to be important to anyone. I believe the same holds true of our charitable giving. If your time and money are spread too thin, too - determine if you're "passionately investing" in those charities that can bring about change. I bet this is going to make our giving so much sweeter!

Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, they will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. Luke 6:38

Thank you so much for allowing me to chill out with you. I'm feeling much better now, and I haven't had a meltdown in weeks!

Spread just right,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 22, 2007 1:56 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

I'm often spread too thin - not because of my work load, to-do list, demands from my family, or volunteer work, but from a sheer brain overload of negative voices in my head.

We don't have to be diagnosed with schizophrenia to know that we deal with a barrage of nasty voices that spread us too thin. Things we literally make up, conclusions we jump to, and fantasy "showdowns" we have to set the record straight. I know you know what I'm talking about: the articulate positioning, perfect timing, and final zinger you "share" with that person that harmed you; the venting that happens over and over and over - but only in your head.

Spending time dwelling on hurts, wrongs, and misfortunes is a waste. How many hours each week do we squander, pondering how we've been wronged and how we should defend our honor? Consider the outcome if we took that same amount of time and did something useful with it. Like maybe read a book; or call someone who makes us laugh; listen to upbeat music; or better yet - pray. Imagine the positive energy we would gain by putting a stop to our negative thinking.

When I fixate on something someone has said or done (or hasn't said or hasn't done) that grieves me, my spirit is drained. My enthusiasm, loveliness, and spunk are nowhere to be found. This lack of positive life force only hurts those who haven't wronged me. How unfair is that?

But when I purposefully replace my brooding thoughts with positive observations I am joyful; I am at peace; and I can only imagine I am more a lot more fun and engaging to be around. Yes, I have to will myself to transform my thoughts in order to achieve this place of peace. No, it's not always easy, and it typically requires me to be conscious of my thoughts and diligent in my actions. But the effort is worth it.

It's time to choose the positive over the negative. Put a stop to those fantasy "showdowns" and replace them with a power walk, a good tune, or something that makes you giggle. Don't waste another minute with those nasty voices. You're spread too thin as it is.

Rethinking my thinking,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 15, 2007 1:52 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

Is your typical day best described as spinning plates, herding cats, and juggling knives, while simultaneously dancing en pointe? Yes, me too.

I confess. I am a bona-fide, professional, ace multi-tasker. I can solve business dilemmas, arrange for home deliveries, cram for my Bible study, and work through family opportunities, all while running on my treadmill. As a young mother, I took great pride in my circus-act expertise. Today, I no longer consider this skill and state of mind an attribute, but a character flaw. Actually, I'm beginning to think that my multi-tasking might even be sinful!

Samuel Johnson wrote that "He who wants to do a great deal at once will never do anything." Well, clearly Sam wasn't a working mother! I can get everything done at once! But is getting stuff done the end game? Is ticking thirty-four action items off our to-do list the measure of a day well-lived?

I've decided the answer is "no", and in order to harness my tendency toward multi-tasking I now plan my day knowing that I will reflect back on how I invested my fixed time and energy. I ask myself:

Multi-tasking, as defined by Webster's, is the concurrent or interleaved execution of two or more jobs by a single CPU. So here's the problem! Multi-tasking isn't something that was even designed for us; it's a function of a computer - not a HUMAN BEING. No wonder we're spread too thin. We need a re-boot.

Doing less could mean more - not only for others but for you. Focus your attention on the few things that will really matter at the end of the day: your personal delight; your achievement of excellence; and your contribution to mankind.

Getting a lot less done with a lot more joy,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 8, 2007 1:49 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

I knew I was spread too thin before my meltdown in the car. I had been fantasizing for months about taking a sabbatical, because I knew in my heart that I was burned out. So, I write you today from a month-long recess from the office. While some might go to a spa or on a Caribbean vacation, I elected to stay home to work on my three R's: Resting; Renewal; and Rededication. But I quickly realized I'm rusty on all three!

Resting. We're not very good at this, are we? We get one hour at home, alone, and what do we do? Start busying ourselves in the name of productivity. Are we bored? Or could we actually fear time alone with our thoughts? Resting - quiet time - is an absolute requirement to renewing one's mind, body, and soul, but I found myself in the first two weeks of my "holiday" keeping the same pace as I had when I was heading into the office. It finally dawned on me, about eight days into this intermission that I would need to plan my rest as I plan anything else that is important to me. In 2006, a Parenting article reported that only 15% of women get eight hours of sleep per night. This month, I am one of the chosen few because I plan it. Are you burned out, too? I feel safe in prescribing rest for you. Easy to say, hard to do. I learned this month that it's less about available sleeping hours and more about making it a priority.

Once rested, it's amazing how our rewired minds process information and how our emotions react to our new enlightened state. Many gals are more emotional when they're tired. But I'm the opposite; I've found the more rested I am, the clearer situations and issues are. This has left me a bit more emotional than in my more normal stressed-out state. (I think Steve is ready for me to finish up on my three r's and return to work!)

During the renewal cycle, I reflect on what's working in my life and what's not. Of the only two things I can control - my thoughts and my actions - how am I doing? This part of the renewal process is always hard for me, because I quickly realize that in many areas I am not living a life of grace. When I'm spread too thin, I tend to become harsh and judgmental. When you're spread so thin that extending grace eludes you, it's time for a break. Are you constantly disappointed by others? Are your expectations so high that when they fail - you judge them harshly, too? If you're slow to forgive and move on, you might need to disappear for a few days to reflect on the grace that's been extended to you.

I couldn't have articulated the goal I was hoping to attain by taking such a luxurious extended break from work, but today I know I was looking for rededication. During the first 21 days of this retreat I have made a new commitment to my spiritual growth and development; I am more deeply committed than ever to my husband and my precious family; and I am looking forward to new and wonderful adventures in my professional life. I have to be honest with you; it's been a few years since I rededicated my mind, body, and soul to higher ways.

Could you name the three areas you'd like to revive and what special things you'd do to rejuvenate your passion? Hmmm, you might be rusty on your three R's, too.

I know not everyone can enjoy a 30-day hiatus from work. I've been a professional for over 20 years and this is a first for me. But I do know that you can take a couple of days (no, you can't do this while visiting Disney Land with the fam) to consider those two things that you control every day: your thoughts and your actions. Only these affect your ability to live a life of grace.

Rededicated to you,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 1, 2007 1:46 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

In Hugh Lofting's wonderful children's tale about Dr. Doolittle, he introduced his readers to a unique creature called a pushmi-pullyu (pronounced push-me; pull-you). Do you remember?

"PUSHMI-PULLYUS had no tail, but a head at each end, and sharp horns on each head. They were very shy and terribly hard to catch. The black men get most of their animals by sneaking up behind them while they are not looking. But you could not do this with the pushmi-pullyu - because, no matter which way you came towards him, he was always facing you. And besides, only one half of him slept at a time. The other head was always awake - and watching." The Story of Dr. Doolittle

I am convinced that a pushmi-pullyu haunts most high-achieving women. We are often controlled by something that is pushing and pulling us, causing us to miss lasting joy in our lives - and that something is perfection. While hitting on all cylinders at all times is what takes many women to the pinnacle of success (both professionally and personally) it is this drive for excellence that sucks the contented life from that same self-motivated gal.

Of course I know many high-achieving women who are not pursued by the Pushmi-Pullyu of Perfection - but all who come to mind are over the age of 60. These women have finally cornered the beast after years of dealing with its sharp horns and are living their best lives, right now.

If my AARP card-carrying girlfriends can do this - why can't we? I don't want to wait one more day to grasp life and live it to its fullest - I want to do it now!

Is your drive driving you crazy, too? Well, put on your safari hat - we're going huntin'. We're going to bag us some Pushmi-Pullyus of Perfection.

I ain't scared,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on May 29, 2007 2:00 PM  |  Category: The Pushmi-Pullyu of Perfection