Dear Girlfriends,

This is the last in our series on cutting the clutter. I hope, like me, you've thought about the physical and mental things that create undue stress: the stuff in your house that keeps you from relaxing; the stuff in your schedule that's often not even your stuff but causes you to run late and procrastinate; and the stuff in your eye that creates an unnecessary need to compete. Today, let's examine the stuff that clutters our spirit: that one nasty voice.

I read an interesting editorial in the Dallas Morning News a few months ago and was so inspired by the woman's courage that I had to write her. She was exploring a controversial subject, as well as addressing the negative - no, NASTY - email she had received from a reader. She went on to share, exposing her vulnerability, how this really affected her.

Is it not amazing that we hold so tightly to that one voice - somewhere from our distant past or maybe an opinion expressed just yesterday? Regardless of the number of accolades and positive reinforcement from others, that one statement, sometimes made in passing and sometimes not even meant to be hurtful, shapes our perception of our self or our performance.

For this reason, I don't believe employee annual reviews are helpful. Many times, I have carefully considered the 10 objectives for the employee review and marked "Excellent!" on seven of the objectives, "Very Good" on two, and "Needs Improvement" on the one remaining. What do you think the employee heard during the review? Yep. Only the one thing that needs improvement. All of the "atta boys" and "atta girls" went right out the window, right along with their self-confidence.

I dropped an email to the DMN columnist after reading her article, sharing with her my respect for her thinking, her courage, and her authenticity. She replied to me how wonderful it was to get "love" mail rather than hate mail. I wondered to myself, "How many love mails does it take to negate that one nasty-gram?" From my experience with employee reviews, I know it's greater than 9 to 1.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Girlfriends, we have to be determined to get the "stuff" out of our ears. Focus on those who appreciate you and respect your efforts. Don't let that one voice undermine who you're supposed to be or what you're destined to accomplish.

Stocking up on Q-tips,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 10, 2007 12:21 PM  |  Category: Cutting the Clutter

Dear Girlfriends,

Could the people you watch and measure yourself against be a source of clutter in your life? I think we have too much "stuff" in our eyes.

When you watched the actors on the Golden Globes-- what did you see? A woman with a fabulous frame in a gorgeous dress? Did you feel a bit frumpy lying on the sofa in your faded nightgown and old fuzzy house slippers? Know what I saw? I saw women who looked HUNGRY. Get those girls some mashed potatoes--they're wasting away!

When you drive through beautiful neighborhoods with perfectly manicured lawns and houses bigger than the Mall of America--what do you see? The end-all, be-all for having "arrived"? I see homes with baggage--too much upkeep and too many darn rooms to keep straight!

When you watch the other 10-year-old kids running out on the soccer field while your son sits on the bench--what do you see? Potential stars with college scholarships? Are you convinced that your son's future earning power has been quashed before he hits fifth grade? I see a child whose substance and patience are being formed while sitting on the bench, allowing him to grow into a man of character, not a self-absorbed, "all about me" adult.

When you watch a female co-worker make her way up the corporate ladder-- what do you see? A woman who seems to get all the breaks? I see a woman who has vision, determination, discipline, and diplomacy to hold her own in the corporate arena.

My point is this: The "stuff" in your eye and how you perceive life on a day-by-day basis has everything to do with what you compete for. Not if you compete; most people compete on some level for something every day--a tennis match, a 10k run, or to be the first in their company to hit their sales quota. The type of competition I'm referring to is the one that creates clutter in our lives. It's the competition to be on par with others in order to fulfill one's self-worth.

And the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. Mark 4:19

What are you competing for? And when you win--what will be your reward? There's no earthly tiara or trophy at the end of the game. We all get the same prize: a shiny pine box with handles.

Cut the clutter. Life's too short.
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 3, 2007 12:18 PM  |  Category: Cutting the Clutter

Dear Girlfriends,

Do you ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Are you stressed out because there's just not enough of you to go around? If so, you'll be able to relate.

It was a bit uncharacteristic of me, but a couple of weeks ago, I had a total meltdown. Yep - driving down the road - I couldn't see a thing for all the rain (and the sun was shining to beat the band).

Here's what had happened just minutes before: I was running late to a meeting. Not just any meeting; this one was with our son who is going through rehab. As I headed out the door, it dawned on me that I was double booked - in addition to the commitment with Scott, I had two conference calls scheduled for the afternoon. As mothers do, my head was swimming - when had I last called our daughter? It's always the child who is NOT in crisis that seems to get the short end of the stick. My cell phone was ringing off the hook, as I was fishing around my purse for my keys as I headed to the car. It was while we were standing there in the parking lot that Steve and I had a major communication snafu. He implied that I was having an "all about me" moment.

OH . . . PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE.

All about me? ALL ABOUT ME?

It took me until about 7:00 p.m. that evening to realize he was right. I was having an "all about me" life, because I had encouraged others to depend and rely on me to the point that it wasn't healthy - for any of us. The next morning, I made some changes.

I took our daughter, Shauna, up on her previous offer to play a bigger role in the family as we encourage Scott back to a healthy life (the unconditional love she pours on Scott has proved to be far more motivational than anything I could ever say or do).
I delegated major projects, those that originally I thought only I could do, to my team members (who, by the way are doing a beautiful job).
I rearranged conference calls and my work load to allow me a more sane schedule, one in which I'm not always running late (yes, I'm actually accomplishing more, not less).
I forfeited my role as family social director (I found that other family members are happy to call and make a reservation for Sunday brunch).

Your wisdom and your knowledge they have deluded you;
for you have said in your heart, "I am, and there is no one besides me.'
Isaiah 47:10

I know from experience that I cannot be all things to all people and that when I try - I fail them all. Instead of being light, energy and a positive force to anyone, I had become a drain. By spreading myself too thin, I was making a mess of my relationships. Now, instead of being stressed that everyone needs me at once, I can truly glory in the blessing for all the people I love and who love me.

I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

Oh! And there was one other thing I did that morning. I made an appointment with my colorist. The next day, I spent 20 precious processing minutes under a heat lamp with nothing more than my solitary thoughts. This is why I'm a bottle blonde. Every six weeks, come rain or shine - it really is all about me!

Chilling out,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 24, 2007 1:41 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin

Dear Girlfriends,

Steve and I are serial re-modelers. We often finish a project (or sometimes an entire house) only to move immediately on to the next room, or even the next place of shelter, to provide a little TLC (Tender Loving Construction). Because our professions rarely afford us even a small glimpse of some tangible result from our daily toil in the office, I think it's our way of feeling productive and creative. When we remodel, we actually get to see the fruits of our labor.

During our most recent make-over, this time of the master bathroom, I especially enjoyed the rapid progress of the work. Steve, being the visionary, as well as the general contractor for these projects, always looks forward to my critique of the handiwork of our craftsmen. (Not!) Yesterday, I arrived home to find that the painters had applied their magic. But.... in one tiny area, over in the corner, the paint was spread too thin.

Although the work (paint job included) was spectacular overall, in this one confined space, the work looked sloppy. It lacked the crispness and the detail that surrounded it. It wasn't as fresh. It actually looked a little worse than before. I thought I could ignore it - but when I went back to the bathroom to take in the sight of the beautiful tile work - all I could focus on was the wall peeking through the Sherwin Williams, "Rope", SW8011.

Like the paint job, I'm often spread too thin, coming across a bit sloppy - in my relationships, in my work, and in caring for myself. I'm not fresh. I'm not creative. I'm not detailed. I'm not present. I'm just a mess.

Are you over-committed, too? Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's explore the real fallout of our over-scheduled lives when we're just spread a bit too thin.

Getting out the drop cloth,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on April 17, 2007 1:35 PM  |  Category: Spread Too Thin