Dear Girlfriends,

Drainers. We've all got them--you know, people who can suck the oxygen out of the room, people who invade your physical and mental space with their ongoing issues; people who you know you've been commanded by God to love. But it's really, really hard.

And it's not always a nosey neighbor or relationally challenged office mate. Sometimes it's close friends and family. I know for a fact because I have family with issues. Issues that can drain the chi right out of you. I could write a book on this subject alone but will keep this brief. You're not going to fix them or their problem. Accept it. People with dependency issues or other deep problems will drain your energy and make your purse so darn heavy that you can't drag your fanny out of the house. Co-dependency is a big word with big meaning. If you have family or friends with significant problems or addictions please go to the next ALANON meeting nearest you. If someone is pushing your buttons, it's not their fault...it's your fault for not setting your own boundaries. It's your fault for trying to save them.

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

You can't take some people's picture out of your purse--especially when they're family--but you can darn well take their issues out of there! Oh! You can also take out the concealer--you'll have fewer circles from worrying all night!

Updating my photos,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 16, 2007 2:06 PM  |  Category: What's In Your Purse?

Dear Girlfriends,

Sometimes our purse gets too heavy because we let other people drop things in it. We don't do a good job of setting our own boundaries. We allow others to invade our space, resulting in our own frustration and anger. Can we be honest with each other? Some of us talk too much. I know, because I'm a talker.

However, there are times when I don't talk, won't talk, can't talk to anyone. Now this may sound harsh but I usually take this stance during the weekend. My quiet time is a basic requirement for me to recharge my batteries. Just because someone wants to chat doesn't make me obligated to visit with them. I learned this the hard way because I used to be available to anyone and everyone 24x7. They would call and I would listen--well, sort of--until I realized I was being unfair to them and most importantly to myself. The telephone was making my purse heavy. So, I let the calls go to voicemail. After trying this once, I realized that the world did not come to an end when I delayed the conversation until a time that was better for me to contribute. Either a) the problem was still there and waited for me, b) the problem worked itself out without me, or c) the sale was over and I didn't need to spend the cash anyway! This is a boundary I have set for myself. I talk when I'm in a position to have a meaningful conversation and I'm not in a position to contribute 24x7. Now my purse is much lighter.

This techno-savvy world where we're connected to everyone, every minute is draining us of our creativity. Turn off your phone. Put the Blackberry in a drawer. Close your notebook computer. You'll be absolutely amazed with your renewed enthusiasm for and patience with others come Monday morn.

Playing the quiet game,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 9, 2007 1:57 PM  |  Category: What's In Your Purse?

Dear Girlfriends,

I used to carry an industrial-size tote bag. It was good for holding everything I might need on a given day--and the next two weeks, as well! The problem was that everything I needed for the day seem to sift to the bottom and get lost in a pool of pens, breath mints--I swear those things reproduce on their own--and paper clips! To compound the problem, when I carried my big bag I got this terrible knot in my right shoulder. So, I decided less is more and started buying only small bags.

But last week, my pocketbook (as my grandmother would call it) felt like it was packing a brick! I thought what in the world can possibly be in this tiny purse to make it so heavy? After digging around, I found not one, not two, but FIVE tubes of lipstick, $16.32 in change and enough "reward" cards to feed the city of Dallas. How did I manage to let this stuff creep into my precious little accessory? I carefully unloaded the excess I didn't need for that day and my handbag was once again, light as a feather as I slung it over my shoulder and bounced out the door . . . looking rather chic, I must say.

I've decided that life is a lot like my handbag. We don't always collect all the distractions, stress, and schedules intentionally. But we allow them to creep in. And it's this stuff that often gives us a knot in our right shoulder or a splitting headache. Things like crazy, ridiculous schedules. Family and friends with dependency problems or other "issues". Or sometimes it is our inability to take control and set our own boundaries that makes our lives feel like a 70 pound ball and chain.

Let's explore how to unburden that handbag and carry only those things we need for today.

Carrying a snappy little clutch,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 2, 2007 1:40 PM  |  Category: What's In Your Purse?

Dear Girlfriends,

On the flip side of hectic schedules are routines that can bore the life right of you. I have a love-hate relationship with the daily grind; I am a creature of habit and enjoy my "rituals" but every now and then, I just need a break from the same-ol', same-ol' things!

To interrupt your routine takes some planning and a little creativity but it is a great way to lighten your handbag! Here are a few very easy ideas:

• This weekend, serve dinner on your good china and crystal. Flowers are optional. Dinner might consist of Kentucky Fried Chicken and grape juice - but hey - life is short! Get out the good stuff. Who are you saving it for? I am sure there is no one more important to you than your family. What do you need for today? Something that is special. Every now and then, I serve Steve our Friday night light dinner of smoked salmon, cheese, and crackers on china. He actually gets a big kick out of it. If you have children, they will really enjoy this. Make dinner an occasion to celebrate your family and have them "dress for dinner" the way families did in the old days. You can also gently use this event as a teachable moment to reinforce eating with the correct utensil and proper table manners.

• Make Tuesday movie night! Yes! In the middle of the week! How crazy is that? This only works for the fam during the summer months but it's great fun and the lines are short. Steve and I sometimes leave work a bit early and hit an art movie. We feel so spontaneous . . . even though we planned it five days in advance . . . it's something different! What do you need for today? A treat on day that is not a usual "treat day"!

• Visit with your girlfriend. Women are so busy tending to everyone else, they let their friendships flounder. Pick up the phone. Yes, you have to do the calling. Don't always expect her to be the one to initiate coffee on Saturday morning. Emerson said, "Go oft to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path." Hhmm. Ralph clearly knew something about friendships. What do you need for today? Giggles with your girlfriend. I promise you that load in your purse will disappear.

• And, my all-time favorite: Pretend Vacation. This is a rediscovery of weekends on steroids. Take a weekend and pretend you're on vacation. Steve and I do this about once every couple of months. We don't go out of town - we just pretend we're on vacation and do the same things we would do if we went away. Steve and I always eat brunch when we're on vacation, so we go out for brunch. We sleep in. We skip church. We go to the museum, then take in a local site we've never visited. We don't watch TV. We don't answer the phone. We don't do laundry. We're on vacation. If you're a stay-at-home mom with small children, you may need an overnight get-away at a hotel in town; just having the opportunity to go the potty alone without two sets of eyes staring up at you can make you feel like a new woman! What do you need for today? Renewal. And a vacation "at home" is perfect for renewal.

Digging out of the rut -
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 30, 2007 2:16 PM  |  Category: What's In Your Purse?

Dear Girlfriends,

I'm sure we all agree that "health scares" are not fun. However, there is one positive affect they seem to bring about. Some of my friends and family members have been diagnosed with the big "C" and with the exception of one precious soul - all have beat it. Many have said their Cancer Fight helped them reconsider their priorities. I got my wakeup call in 2002 when my doctor told me he thought I had MS. Although he called it wrong, (I don't have MS) for seven days, awaiting the final diagnosis, I had the opportunity to assess my life as it was and what it might be like for the next many years living with the dreaded disease. That time of reflection gave me the opportunity to realize that my hectic schedule was burdening my handbag.

Committees, boards, and baking brownies for the bake sale.
My problem is that I don't feel obligated to serve. . . I want to help! But when I found myself grousing about the very thing I volunteered for I had to stop and ask myself if I wasn't over-committed. During that time of self-reflection, I was serving on three boards, running two companies, teaching Sunday School, serving as a Stephen's Minister, and traveling all over the country - in addition to my most important roles as wife and mother. Doing a 100-pound bench press was easier than carrying my purse around! Slowly, I began to remove things from my schedule, one-by-one, so I could find what I needed for today. And what I needed for that day was to wake up feeling joyful, not burdened. It's a mature, self-aware woman who learns to say, "thank you for asking, but no I can't ......" CAUTION: those of us who are Triple-Type-A will fall off the wagon within months if we're not alert. Be careful that too many volunteer efforts don't sneak back into your handbag.

Kid stuff.
This topic is touchy for many but I think we should at least explore the idea that maybe our kids' commitments are wearing us out. Some kids' schedules rival those of the average CEO! I'm not a child expert but I'm fairly certain it will not damage their psyche nor will it thwart their opportunity to be the next Bill Gates if you tell them, "not today." Actually, your children might benefit from a bit of down time, themselves. What do you need for today? Children who are thriving. And they will thrive without dance lessons, piano lessons, soccer practice, and French lessons - all before TUESDAY! I'm sure I'm showing my age here but I thought most people subscribed to the "one extra-curricular activity rule per semester". GEEZ - not ten! If tomorrow you learned that something was going to seriously alter your lifestyle or health - what would you change? Where and how would you spend your time to better nurture your children? I bet it's not sitting behind the wheel of a car. It's a mature, self-aware mom who learns to say, "that's a great idea, but we'll need to wait until next semester to consider that."

Weekends that make the workweek look like a walk in the park.
Families, and husbands/wives in particular, don't have enough down time these days. From demanding careers, to the aforementioned kid stuff, to packed social calendars, there seems to be no time to just be still. Do you even remember how to just sit and talk with your husband over a glass of wine? What about taking a Saturday morning to sit outside and read the paper together? Steve and I can sometimes over-commit our weekends causing us to not feel refreshed on Monday. However, I found if we reserve one night (Friday or Saturday) and one day (Saturday or Sunday) to "quiet time" we're totally renewed by Sunday evening. Some women I've talked to feel guilty about this. Girlfriends, give yourself a pass! You don't have to be productive 100% of every minute of every day. On the contrary, if you can learn to afford yourself this "luxury" - your productivity will soar over the next 72 hours. It's a mature, self-aware woman who says, "I'm a valuable contributor to my employer and my family and to remain valuable, I must feed myself some quiet time."
I want you to look in your purse. What's in there that you don't need for today? What can you take out? There has to be one thing that can go undone. There must be something that can be accomplished by someone else. Girlfriends, that knot in your right shoulder is because your purse is too heavy with excess burdens and commitments. Take something out of that purse. We're not getting a do-over.

Peace,
Ellen

Posted by Ellen on January 23, 2007 2:13 PM  |  Category: What's In Your Purse?